Are Attachment Styles a Factor in Successful Ethically Non- Monogamous Relationships?

TL;DR: Yes. The end. Enjoy your tea and biscuits in peace.

But if you have a little time on your hands, I think this is a super interesting and valuable topic to get into, whether you are single, ‘looking’, entering a new relationship, or have been with your partner/s for so long, that you’re pretty sure you met them when dinosaurs were roaming the Earth…or when shoulder pads were in fashion.

The simple fact of it is: attachment types develop very early in life, and they’re often responsible for setting a foundation in the way that we continue to relate to others in our childhood, adolescence and beyond. Naturally, these patterns of behaviour and relating will then impact on the intimate relationships we have in adulthood, because we’ve learnt (through our earliest bonding experiences),

how to get our needs met… and how to survive when they aren’t.

The way this manifests within our romantic relationships is particularly potent, because these partnerships tend to be built upon a higher degree of emotional closeness, unique vulnerabilities, interpersonal interactions, and the demand for deep trust…all of which can crack and crumble, when built upon unstable relational soil that was laid within the core of us.

What is Attachment Theory?

The official origin of Attachment Theory originated in 1958, when two significant papers were published. One was entitled “The Nature of the Child’s Tie to His Mother” (written by psychoanalyst John Bowlby, who came to be recognised as the father of Attachment Theory), and the other was: Harry Harlow’s “The Nature of Love”. This paper was based on experiments with baby rhesus monkeys, which ultimately showed that after being separated from their mothers, infant monkeys spent more time with mother-like dummies (coated in soft material) that didn’t dispense any food, than they did with dummies that offered food, but were not pleasant to touch.

Warning: this research broke my heart to watch during my Psychology studies, and I still have the occasional tear over these beautiful creatures now, so consider your sensitivity levels before researching it further.

Later, Mary Ainsworth continued to complete extensive and innovative research into the nature of infant attachments, using Bowlby’s ideas, which led to the formal presentation of Attachment Theory as we know it today, in 1969, within Bowlby’s first volume of the ‘Attachment and Loss’ trilogy.

Granted, those mini paragraphs were slightly nerdy, but ultimately, Attachment Theory centres on the notion that healthy and normal development relies on the love, nurture and emotionally responsive care provided by a primary caregiver (most often the mother), in infancy. Specifically, attachment is the emotional bond that develops between the baby and its primary caregiver through patterns of interaction over time. It was found that given the opportunity, every single human infant will inevitably develop an attachment if a primary caregiver is available. This process becomes problematic when the attachment is interrupted or damaged ( such as when a primary caregiver is not consistently available, e.g. within an institution/ orphanage, or due to the primary’s inability to offer reliable, sensitive and responsive care for the infant’s needs), which leads to the development of insecure attachment bonds, rather than those of a secure nature.

Consider a scenario in which a baby naturally cries for his mother when hungry/ cold/ frightened etc, and the mother consistently shows up and meets each of those needs with love, nurture, understanding and emotional awareness. The baby learns that she will always be there, and feels increasingly secure in their bond, over time. Later in life, this baby grows into a child and adolescent who feels secure enough in this bond to make their own decisions, explore the world beyond, and trust that they are valued and loved by other people they choose to form relationships with. His adult relationships are likely to have a greater chance of success due to his secure attachment style.

Now consider a different scenario in which a baby cries for her physical and emotional needs to be met, only for her primary caregiver to be inconsistent, negligent, unreliable. Perhaps the mother or father figure offers comfort occasionally, but at other times, ignores their child. Perhaps they feed the baby but don’t cuddle her. There might even be traumatic experiences linked to the primary caregiver. This baby never learns to trust that their needs will be met, or they can never rely on the fact that somebody will be there to support them at all times. This impacts the child’s ability to trust in connections with other human beings, and this can show up in a variety of challenging ways as they grow, impacting relationships throughout their life.

You might already have an idea about your individual Attachment Style.

You might feel fairly confident in yourself and your relationships, and feel that they’re generally built on trust, self-awareness and healthy communication. If so, it’s likely that you have a secure attachment style… or you’ve worked hard to develop one over time.

If you don’t know what your attachment style is, and you suspect it may be of an insecure nature in some way (or maybe you’re just curious)… be wary of taking a ten minute quiz online and resigning yourself to whatever fate pops up in the red, exclamatory box at the end! The best advice I can give you is to explore it properly in counselling or psychotherapy, with a therapist who is knowledgeable in Attachment Theory.

But to start you off, here is a snapshot of each Attachment Style (there are 4 in total), including information about:

What each of them are;

How they are formed;

How they can manifest in adult relationships;

Tips for your own patterns of relating, and;

…..drum roll…

Making it work for successful and happy times in Ethical Non-Monogamy!

1. Secure Attachment

What is it, and how did it happen? This is the one we all strive for, in an ideal world. This attachment type is characterised by a child who has received consistent and nurturing physical and emotional care, from a loving caregiver who is finely attuned to their child’s needs, from infancy, into toddler-hood and beyond. This child felt safe with their primary giver, and could trust that their cries would be heard, and their needs would be interpreted accurately. Their caregiver could manage their own stress, and calm and soothe their baby in times of distress. Babies who are securely attached prefer their primary caregiver to anybody else. They are upset when their primary caregiver leaves temporarily, but are easily comforted upon their return.

How can it manifest in adult relationships? People with a secure attachment style are often fairly self-confident, hopeful and trusting (most of the time). They can manage and negotiate conflicts in relationships, communicate their needs and hold boundaries effectively, respond to intimacy, and work through the peaks and troughs of a relationship in healthy ways. They happily seek comfort in their partner, are also happy to be relied upon at times, and are not overly anxious when they are apart from their partner. They have the resilience to bounce back from disappointments. These people are more likely (but not always) to seek other partners who are emotionally available (and present with a secure attachment style), which naturally paves the way for a longer-lasting, loving relationship.

Tips for your own patterns of relating: Remember that just because you have a secure attachment style, it doesn’t mean that you won’t occasionally feel insecure in some situations, experience challenges with others, or that your relationship will be easy, throughout its course. If you’re both securely attached, it’s more likely that you’ll be able to navigate hardships in a healthier way, but we all go through different seasons in life, and some throw up unexpected emotions and responses along the way. It can also be challenging if you come across another person with an insecure attachment style. They won’t handle things in the same way that you do, and this doesn’t necessarily mean that anybody is wrong…but it’s worth acknowledging the place from which people have come, and to try to understand each other. Even so, it’s still important to maintain your own boundaries, and to expect a level of respect from others, even if they’re unable to meet you half way at that time.

Sometimes that looks like changing the way in which we communicate with others, so that we’re all heard. Sometimes, that means walking away.

Making it work in Ethical Non-Monogamy: If you and your partner/s are both (or all) securely attached, chances are that you already have some level of understanding in how to communicate your needs and desires, and how to navigate challenges that arise. None of us are perfect though, and as we all know, ENM will crack open an existing relationship issue quicker than a bumhole pic on Fabswingers.com.

So, here’s a list of gentle reminders:

• Make sure your relationship is feeling secure between you, before involving others in it.

We don’t want to put a poor lifestyle couple in a position in which they have to discretely ask for the bill with a manic glance at the waiter, before leaving you to hiss at each other across a fillet steak, do we? There’s no such thing as the perfect relationship, so you will go through times where you’re not on the same page. A healthy relationship isn’t necessarily one in which you never ‘argue’. Disagreements are fine… do it calmly and with an open-heart. And once you can understand each other again, reach some compromises, and are ready to move forwards as a united front…then you can invite others to join your happy bubble.

• Talk to your partner!

Tell your partner what you like or dislike. Tell them what you enjoy within your ENM experiences. Share with them how you felt when something went wrong. Ask them for what you need. Don’t expect them to read your mind. That’s unfair…and often fruitless. This doesn’t only apply to your primary partner either. It applies to all of the people you play with/ have sex with/ form a relationship with. They deserve your honesty, plus deeper connections (and better sex) are more likely, with proper communication.

• Be prepared for the fact that you can’t control what others do or say; only your response.

Now, I don’t mean that you can’t control what other people do, so you should just put up with it when they behave in a way that upsets or hurts you. No. I mean that occasionally, you will come across people who have past traumas/ experiences/ an insecure attachment style, and their way of coping with that is reflected in an ignorant, hurtful, negligent, disorganised or confusing way. Or, it might be nothing to do with attachment and they’re actually an arsehole. That’s their stuff to work through, and it’s not your responsibility to change that. BUT…it IS your responsibility to stand up for yourself, set out what you will accept, and what you won’t. And stick to it. You’ve been given the gift of a secure foundation. Use it to protect yourself and your relationships.

2. Anxious Attachment Style (a.k.a preoccupied attachment or anxious-ambivalent attachment)

What is it, and how did it happen? This is a type of insecure attachment that is characterised by a child who received an inconsistent parenting style. This means that sometimes, the parent may have been emotionally engaged or responsive to the child’s needs but at other times, they were distracted or not present. This lack of reliability for getting needs met can cause a child to develop an internal sense of uncertainty which leads to anxiety. The child learns that they may or may not receive the care that they need, and so over time, they are not easily comforted by their caregivers, because there is an internal level of distrust.

How can it manifest in adult relationships? People who have developed an anxious or ambivalent attachment style often present as quite ‘clingy’ or ‘needy’ in relationships. This can cause a significant level of embarrassment, worry or sadness, with low self-esteem. They often feel a constant need for love, validation and affection, or they will often be wondering about whether they’re actually loved or worthy at all, which can feel overwhelming for them, as well as their partner/s. Some people crave the emotional or physical closeness of another (sometimes to a level of fixation), whilst others may feel simultaneously that they can’t trust or rely on their partner, which can be confusing. Anxious attachment types can lead to feeling jealous or anxious when they’re apart from their partner, or if they perceive that their partner is withdrawing from them. Their sense of self-worth rests on how they feel they are treated within a relationship, and this can manifest in some manipulative behaviours to try and keep the partner close, or overreactions to any perceived threats to the relationship. Others can be extremely attentive to their partner in order to keep them close, whilst living with an ongoing fear that one day, their loved ones will abandon them.

Tips for your own patterns of relating: First of all, I’d like to remind you that you didn’t ask for a parent who couldn’t give you consistent and responsive care. It isn’t your fault that you didn’t receive the secure beginning that you deserved. I wonder if you can offer the smaller version of yourself some adult understanding, and acknowledge some of the reasons you may be struggling in some ways that you relate to others? Secondly…there’s no reason that you can’t begin to change some of this wiring and work hard to understand the impact that your patterns of relating can have. It’s important to be honest with yourself and recognise that it’s possible you could drive your loved ones away, if you relate to them in a way that demands constant reassurance, closeness, time, intimacy and validation. And this can then become a self-fulfilling prophecy which puts many of your relationships at risk, due to ongoing insecurity. This doesn’t mean that it isn’t okay for you to want these things from your partner. You deserve closeness, trust, reliability and for your partner to help you to feel good. However, try to recognise when you are dipping into that space where you’re needing things from your partner constantly, and stop for a moment to think about where that need is coming from. Chances are, it’s a throwback to the baby who cried and people didn’t always come.

You can show up for yourself now. You are enough.

Making it work in Ethical Non-Monogamy: I’m going to say this for all insecure attachment types, before delving into ENM:

Off to therapy with ye.

If you’ve done that, or if you’re in the process, excellent. Here are some self-help tips for you and your partner/s (note that much of the content relates to your primary, or already-established relationship…we can’t live an ENM life successfully without watering the current lawn):

• Try ‘rituals of separation’ with your primary partner.

Your relationship needs to feel strong with your established relationship/s, before you branch out further with ENM connections. So, ‘rituals of separation’ are little things that you can do with your partner, to ease the concern of being apart, or simply to feel closer on a daily basis. This might be a kiss before you both go out to work, and a consistent “I love you, never forget it”. It could be a lunch time message saying “Can’t wait to see you later!”. Or maybe you like to send each other a silly gift if and when you see one, to show that you’re thinking of your partner. It’s important not to put pressure on these things, and expect them every single time, without fail. Neither you or your partner are aiming for perfection here. You’re aiming for effort, and presence.

• Respond rather than react.

When our natural tendency is not to fully trust that we are loved/ valued/ enough, we can react to certain relationship situations with defensiveness, jealousy or anger. When it’s much more helpful to work towards responding with curiosity. Try not to assume your partner’s motives or emotions. Sometimes, anxious attachment types can project their own insecurities onto their partner and assume that their partner behaved a certain way for a particular reason, when it often isn’t that way. An example:

“My partner didn’t bother ringing me before they went to bed in their hotel room, while working away. This means that they aren’t even thinking about me. I’d never do that to them…so they must not love me as much as I love them. Obviously I’m not enough for them.”

Here, it could be surmised that this partner couldn’t always rely on their primary caregivers to nurture them. This was internalised as ‘they must not love me…I am not enough, otherwise my parents would care for me, always.’ This is now impacting the person’s current relationship. Perhaps their partner has had a busy day at work, forgot to call, and doesn’t equate a phone call with love, as their partner does. Perhaps they were tired, or distracted by deadlines, or enjoying some personal space with friendly colleagues. Maybe they intended to call early in the morning. It may have been slightly thoughtless, but it wasn’t necessarily about their feelings for their partner. This type of scenario needs responsive communication, rather than a reactive accusation. Perhaps a compromise is needed in future, so that both partners feel heard.

• Connect, Care and Communicate

Connect with yourself first. Connect with your partner next. Show care for both sides…and the partner/s you are inviting to join you, on your ENM journey. Communicate your needs, wants and desires, with honesty and remember that we’re not in this world for a long time. So try to have faith now and again that the good times are here to stay for a while!

3. Avoidant Attachment Style (a.k.a dismissive attachment or anxious-avoidant attachment)

What is it, and how did it happen? This is another type of insecure attachment, and stems from a primary caregiver who was either unavailable, negligent, or rejecting of the infant. When a baby/ child’s needs are never consistently met, and they have not felt the emotional closeness offered by a parent who is responsive to them, they learn that they can’t rely on others. They learn to emotionally distance themselves from people, in order to survive. They try to self-soothe, often withdrawing in the process, which can lead to an avoidance of intimacy and ultimately, inner distress.

How can it manifest in adult relationships? This type of attachment is the opposite of ‘preoccupied’ or ‘anxious-ambivalent’ types, because whereas anxious attachment styles crave intimacy, ‘dismissive’ or ‘avoidant’ types often feel wary of it, or even stifled by emotional connection. They have spent so long learning to be independent in childhood, that this becomes a natural way of being, but sometimes to a problematic point in that they’re not able to be emotionally available to their partners. It’s characterised by a lack of need for others; discomfort with their own emotions and those of others; an air of distance, rigidity or intolerance. Sometimes, avoidant types can minimise their partner’s feelings or not understand how to comfort their partner. They may seek out more casual relationships, rather than longer-lasting, deeper connections.

Tips for your own patterns of relating: You might not have even realised why you might prefer to only rely on yourself. You’re probably an independent, strong person who values their freedom…and that’s absolutely okay. But I’m going to put it out there that human beings are wired in a way that naturally seeks belonging and connection with others. If you’ve endured earlier experiences of neglect, or completely unreliable bonds with a primary caregiver in infancy, then it’s likely that a fear of intimacy is holding you back from being able to trust in similar connections as an adult. This fear can be overcome.

Attachment styles are not for life.

I’d like you to ask yourself if you’re truly happy.

If you are, then this could be where your exploration ends. It’s okay to rest in a place that feels familiar for a while, as long as you’re looking after yourself and others, where possible. But if there’s a part of you that is beginning to recognise that you want more…that you need more… know that there’s a whole world of connection out there waiting for you, when you’re ready to receive it. It may take a lifetime to understand it, or accept it, but just because your parents (or even other people in your life) couldn’t offer you the nurture, comfort and love that you deserved, it doesn’t mean that you need to deprive yourself of it in adulthood. You’re used to relying on yourself to survive. I wonder if you can rely on yourself (or your partner if you have one) to thrive a little, too?

Making it work in Ethical Non-Monogamy: Believe it or not, I loathe being the kind of therapist who recommends counselling for everything. And truthfully, I don’t actually think it’s the answer for all of life’s problems. Not least because it’s expensive and you have to be ready to invest in the process for it to work.

However.

Therapy isn’t only a valuable thing to do for the sake of yourself, but it’s particularly beneficial if you’re considering forming any type of relationship with others. Ethical Non-Monogamy is an additional layer on top of that, and it involves other human beings. It might be that certain aspects of swinging or ENM are perfect for you because you simply crave one-off adventures, and don’t want to have to deal with the emotional labour of anything more. There is something for everyone in ENM, and there’s no shame in wanting no-strings-attached sex, if everybody involved is on board with that. As with everything though, my tip for making it work ethically and safely is to always be aware of how your own patterns of relating might affect somebody else. We all make ripples in the pond in some way, and how we speak, respond, behave and exist in the world will inevitably have an effect on human beings.

So… perhaps you want to work through your avoidant attachment style and begin to embrace intimacy on a deeper level with other people? If so, do the personal work, find some support, and enjoy the gradual evolution. ENM can be a great way to meet other like-minded people, and to practise intimacy in a variety of ways. Just be transparent with it, respect other people always, and don’t try to hide who you are.

If however, you’ve come to accept your attachment style and are pretty comfortable with remaining fairly distant from others at the moment, but would still like to enjoy some physical ENM adventures…I’m sure others might be looking for the same. It’s probably wise to be upfront, and make sure that you all want the same thing. For instance, it might not be a good idea to set up what you expect to be a one-night-stand with a polyamorous empath who’s looking for love!

4. Disorganised/ Disoriented Attachment Style (a.k.a fearful-avoidant attachment)

What is it, and how did it happen? This attachment style commonly originates from intense fear, often due to neglect, abuse or childhood trauma. It’s the most extreme, and least common attachment style, and adults with this type often feel as though they don’t deserve love or closeness with others. It will usually have been formed as a result of a volatile childhood, characterised by an incoherent or erratic relationship with the primary caregiver. Some caregivers may have completely ignored their child’s needs, whereas others may have been a source of both comfort and fear, which is confusing and frightening for a child. Sometimes the caregiver was even dealing with unresolved trauma of their own.

How can it manifest in adult relationships? Children who have experienced a childhood like this were often never given the opportunity to learn how to self-soothe or regulate their emotions. Their needs were not met in their formative years, and as a result, the world can feel like an unsafe and scary place, thus rendering many people with this attachment style, incapable of forming the healthy adult relationships that they crave. Sometimes, resulting personality disorders can add additional layers of complications to this. When relationships are formed in adulthood, the person with this attachment type may experience confusion in intimate relationships and demonstrate extreme emotional shifts towards them; some may act without apparent consideration or sensitivity towards their partner; some may replicate abusive patterns from the past; there is a deep level of distrust and fear within the relationship. They may simultaneously crave intimate relationships, and push others away if they get close, for fear of being hurt again.

Naturally, this is a heartbreaking situation, and if you feel as though you have developed this attachment style, or you know somebody that you suspect may be struggling with it, please know that there is mental health and relational support out there.

Ultimately, you’re in control of your own life and nobody can tell you what to do, but it wouldn’t be my recommendation to add further complexities to your life with regards to Ethical Non-Monogamy right now, for a number of reasons.

Instead, offer yourself the care and compassion to focus on yourself for a while. One great resource to start with is from a licensed therapist:

“How to Heal from Disorganised Attachment” (hyperlinked)

and some more information from The Attachment Project (hyperlinked).

Can attachment styles change?

The simple answer is ‘yes, attachment styles can change’.

Many of us will recognise features from different attachment styles in our formative years and subsequent relationship history, and our attachment types can change as a result of major life events or particular partnerships. As the Attachment Project reports:

“An insecurely attached individual could form a secure bond when they have a securely attached partner. On the other hand, it’s also possible for someone with a secure attachment style to develop unhealthy relationship behaviors after experiencing trauma or losing a loved one. So, many people do not “fit” completely into one specific profile.”

So, it’s entirely possible that although we each possess unique childhood memories and experiences that have helped to shape us into who we are, there are still changes that we can make to improve the way we relate to others.

Naturally, it takes time and effort, but ultimately, it doesn’t matter whether we’re trying to connect with a stranger across the street with nothing but a nod of the head; with a friend by sharing a story; with a family member by letting them see the tears of a past grievance; with an intimate partner through the movement of bodies…it’s worth it because connection is a form of love. And-

“Love is the only way to rescue humanity from all its ills.”

(Leo Tolstoy)