Sex Club Survival Kit

Items to Pack and Things to Unpack to Help Your Sex Club Visit Go Smoothly

It was September 2022.

My husband and I had arrived at our very first sex club event, run by the Bed Hoppers, and Wanderlust Swingers (UK swinging podcasters, and Aussie creators of swinging podcasts/ events around the world). We’d been involved in the ENM lifestyle in a roundabout way for a few years; had done endless research; listened to hundreds of hours of relevant podcasts; read countless articles; spoken to people in-the-know, etc.

We thought we were prepared.

And well…

I very quickly realised we weren’t!

Let me tell you… the moment I truly realised this, was probably the worst timing you can imagine.

We’d tiptoed around the club on a tour with the organisers, crept through the dungeon, wandered the halls and peeped into playrooms. We’d socialised and networked with like-minded people and enjoyed too many drinks. Having kept it together for a few hours, I suddenly recognised that I needed a breather from the intensity of a sex club when we walked past a curtained ‘play-room’ that was set on top of an eye-height ladder, and my glance met with the underside of somebody’s balls.

Noticing my silent withdrawal, my husband took me to find somewhere to sit and talk. Eventually, we came across the only empty couple of chairs left on the top floor, and within seconds of sitting closed-kneed and wide-eyed with my drink in two hands, I realised that I was in the middle of a very active orgy room. Think rhythmic clapping sounds, soft moans, writhing naked bodies, locking eyes with a man in doggy-style position who seemed to have frozen time, and a random woman blowing her husband inches from my face.

Suffice to say, this didn’t feel like an ideal time to discover I was quite naive, actually.

But!

Since then, I’ve entered a few different sex/ lifestyle/ swinging clubs. I’ve entertained many a conversation with people far more experienced than me. I’ve fielded a variety of curious questions from trusted vanilla friends about these clubs. And this has taught me a lot about what there is to know, to understand, and to discover about these enigmatic, liberating, and often well-disguised venues around the UK. After all, once I committed to some learning about myself, and about what to expect in sex clubs, I’ve been able to have some of the most amazing adventures, and I want that for you too.

So lovely reader…maybe you’ve had a few surprising or confusing experiences at a sex club, and are doing a little bit of reading to help yourself understand more? Perhaps you’ve never been to one but you’re considering it and wondering what it’s all about? Or maybe you’d much rather snuggle up on the sofa with some fluffy slippers and watch EastEnders, but are here for some juicy details about what exactly goes on in these places? All are welcome.

There are a lot of myths to debunk about sex clubs, and I’d like to contribute to the conversation about how they can actually feel like one of the safest places to explore your sexual interests. They generally aren’t the seedy, disgusting places you see portrayed on the media, and most people within them are genuinely friendly, kind, accepting and super hot on consent. As with everything, there are undoubtedly outliers here, and an occasional minority can spoil things for the majority… but if you do your research, get properly prepared, and go in with an open mind and firm boundaries, it’s possible to have an incredible time.

And on top of that, if I can save just one gentle visitor from suddenly realising the dizzying panic of overwhelm whilst surrounded by people fucking, and pave the way for some sexy fun and freedom in their life, then this article has done its job!

What are sex clubs?

**Quick caveat- I can only really speak to UK sex clubs, since that’s my experience. And my experiences are fairly limited at that, but there will be similarities across the globe I’d imagine. Overall, if you’re thinking of going to a specific lifestyle club, it’s always a good idea to research that particular one by visiting their website/ emailing/ giving them a call, etc. Every club has different events, rules, dress codes, costs, membership procedures and stipulations, so it’s best to look into these things well in advance.**

Sex clubs are usually establishments that people can visit in order to express themselves socially and sexually. This can take many forms, depending on the club, and on what you’re looking for.

They usually resemble a typical nightclub sort of venue, in which there will probably be a bar (some are licensed bars, and some will be BYOB- Bring Your Own Bottle), a dance floor area, lighting, and music/ DJ. Sometimes there’ll be a pole for the confident dancers amongst us. This communal area is often a ‘no-play’ zone where people can relax, drink, dance, and socialise without the pressure of sex. At a certain point later in the night though, you can expect to see people wandering around in lingerie (or naked), and this can naturally lead to some hot kissing/ light touching scenes around the area. I’ve rarely seen full sex in these spaces, but it is dependent on club rules and the vibe.

Beyond this communal bar/ dance space, will often be different areas in which people can play and enjoy sex. Every club designs their spaces differently, but usually the main features will be:

• Orgy/ group sex room- larger spaces filled with soft, cushioned (often wipe-clean) beds. This is where you might like to find a space and enjoy sex with your partner amongst other bodies doing the same. If somebody politely approaches you, and you’re interested, you can enjoy the space together. But you don’t have to join anybody, or allow them to join you. Etiquette dictates that you don’t crowd other people’s play; that you wait for an appropriate moment to find your space without interrupting play; that you always, always ask consent before approaching another person; and that you definitely don’t stand watching people and touching yourself without permission. Yes it’s hot, and yes, some people may be OK with this but often… people who do this are referred to as The Wanking Dead, and nobody wants that title, do they.

• Couples room/ area- Not all clubs have this but in some UK clubs, there will be a dedicated space just for couples play. This means that single people are not allowed to access this area. Generally, the number of single people allowed into a club will be limited or monitored, unless it’s a specific event in which singles are encouraged. Always check the events at your intended club, to see what type of night you’d like to experience. Some nights will be geared towards different dynamics.

• Individual play rooms/ areas- Areas dotted around the club in which you can find a smaller space to play with your partner/s. I’ve seen lockable rooms, rooms with a voile curtain (gives some semblance of privacy but you can still feel part of the atmosphere), cave-type spaces, and interesting nooks. Some rooms will even be themed and contain play equipment.

• The Dungeon- A kinkier space which is usually in a darker-lit and more sultry area of the club, and contains a variety of BDSM/ scene equipment. Some examples of equipment you might see are: A sex swing; St. Andrew’s Cross; restraints; spanking bench; padded BSDM bench; bondage apparatus; cage, etc. This area probably isn’t for the faint of heart, so if it’s your first time, or you’re not into this type of play, don’t feel any pressure to enter, or to stay if it feels too much.

• Glory Hole- Many clubs will have a smaller, designated space which is comprised of a wall, with holes cut into it. A penis-owner will insert their dick into one of the holes, with the intention that a partner (or often a stranger) will give them oral. People often seek pleasure in the anonymity of this, or in the pretence of it. Some clubs even have versions of these designed for vulva-owners, in which they will have room to put their whole bottom-half through a shielded/ curtained larger hole for oral sex (a bit like an XXX-rated puppet theatre).

• Quieter seating areas- Most clubs will have an area that isn’t designed for play, but is there for you to sit, relax, drink and chat with your partner/s or friends. These are perfect for taking some time out…and helps you to avoid my mistake of trying to do this in the middle of a rampant orgy.

• Hot Tub area- This is perhaps my favourite aspect of sex clubs. Usually a separate ‘wet’ area that will involve one or more hot tubs, and a shower area. This is perfect for people who are getting used to the club environment and just want to sit, chat and relax…maybe even get naked for the first time. You can wear swimwear in these, of course, but most people choose not to. The hot tub area is also brilliant for relaxing at the end of the night, when you’ve had some sexy fun. Just don’t dunk your head under. People aren’t allowed to play in the hot tubs, because there’s probably no amount of chlorine that the club owners feel would make up for that chaos. And also… have you ever tried water as lube? It’s a no.

• Locker area- Just a space to put your things (we’ll get to what to pack later!). This is also where you’ll go if you’re ready to ‘dress down’.

A quick segue into ‘Dressing Down’:

Put simply, ‘dressing down’ means to change from your normal club clothes, into pants/ boxers/ lingerie/ whatever ‘closer-to-naked’ stuff you fancy. Some clubs have a mandatory ‘dress-down’ at a certain point in the night, which is presumably aimed at helping everyone to feel comfortable by dressing down at the same time, but I’ve never personally been to a club that mandates this. My belief is that it’s preferable to let people choose if, or when, they get rid of some clothes.

In most UK clubs, it’s up to you as to whether you dress-down, but you’d usually consider doing this before actually playing in the play spaces. Put it this way… you can take a tour of the club in your club clothes, but you’re unlikely to get a warm welcome if you’re casually wandering around the playrooms later in the night, watching people have sex in your coat, hat and scarf.

It’s good etiquette to try to join the vibe, but make sure you pick out some lingerie/ dress down items you feel confident, sexy and secure in.

Often, locker rooms and bathrooms can be a hive of friendly smiles and empowerment, where you can dress down and be complimented by strangers and friends alike. It’s a lovely thing to experience.

And on that note of confidence, compliments and body-positivity… I promise you that there is a range of all shapes and sizes in sex clubs!

I remember really not believing this but ultimately…sex clubs are a microcosm of society, and that is reflected in the types of people you’ll see in the lifestyle. Think about the variety of people you generally encounter in the supermarket… it’ll be similar in a sex club. Except perhaps for the fact that people in sex clubs tend to dress better, smell better, and not be complaining about their out-of-date broccoli at Customer Services.

What are sex clubs for?

Some people simply go to revel in the sexy atmosphere as a voyeur or to share some sexy, free times with their own partner. There is absolutely no pressure to ‘play’ with other people and in my experience, I’ve seen a large proportion of couples/ throuples etc, stick to enjoying only each other in these clubs. In this way, they can be an incredible place to enjoy your partner/s amongst the hot sounds and scenes of other people. This is underrated in my opinion, and can be a beautiful way to connect with your partner, in an exciting and spicy environment!

You may enjoy the ‘watching’ element (voyeurism) or ‘putting on a show’ (exhibitionism), or you may want to spend some of the night socialising and then lock yourselves away in a private play room (some clubs have these and some don’t, so ask ahead).

Like any entertainment space, people go to lifestyle clubs to have a good time and socialise. The only major difference here is that it’s an environment which also allows people to express themselves sexually, in a way that is less limited and judged. You can go for a few drinks. You can go for a chat. You can go to discover new things about your sexual identity and about your relationship. Or you can go to experience some real Romanesque debauchery. It’s your oyster.

And remember…if it ever feels like you’ve had enough, or it’s a little overwhelming, that’s okay. You can go home and try again later if you want to. It’s not a staff meeting, and nobody is gonna bring it up in your Performance Management Review!

Items to Pack for a Sex Club

Now, feel free to disregard any of these items if they don’t fit your personality/ style/ relationship/ actual bag! But here is a tried and tested list of all of the things my friends and I have found incredibly useful in a sex club.

You’d do well to have a smaller handbag (or a couple of pockets if you’re not a handbag user), and a ‘sex bag’, which is generally larger. I have a black, rectangle case that is about 30cm by 20cm, with a handle, little compartments inside and a zip that can open it up wide.

Do I look like a whimsical, newly promoted business man in his twenties, going on a trip he’s not serious about? Yes. It’s akin to Mary Poppins’ magic carpet bag, except- rather than pulling the length of an entire lamp from its depths, I could slowly reveal Ann Summers’ largest Doxy, instead. And I love it.

The handbag:

• Payment card for the bar . (many clubs won’t allow you to have your phone out in a club, so using this to pay might not be an option). Or cash.
• Small, powerful mints. I choose ‘Smints’ because I like to think they’re an abbreviation of ‘Swinger Mints’, they immediately turn your breath into an Arctic zephyr, and anyone can look smooth when clicking one of those into somebody else’s palm.
• Bullet vibe. I can’t always trust that fingers or a tongue will get me there, so this is a nice little addition that’s discrete.
• Intimate wipes. Perfect for staying fresh before, and after play. I always use unscented, PH balanced products because I don’t need to be adding the cost of Canesten Duo to my lifestyle expenses.
• Mini deodorant/ perfume/ make-up for touch ups. This is a personal preference, but not necessary. Do whatever helps you to feel comfortable.

The sex bag:

I’m about to describe the contents of the most majestic sex bag according to myself…but you can pack (or not pack) anything you want!

• Your ‘dress down’ outfit. Depending on how you like to dress, we’re talking options like: fancy pants/ body suit/ bra and knickers/ stockings and suspenders, etc. If you’re not sure how confident you’ll feel in less clothes, try packing a little robe to throw on over the top. No, not a towelling dressing gown. Never that. Try some chiffon or some lace. I even threw in some black Doctor Marten boots recently to match with a domme-style lingerie set. Wearing flats after the evil of stilettos was almost orgasmic in itself.
• Towel for the hot tub. Swimwear if you want it.
• Any sex toys you enjoy.
• Condoms/ any other protection you might want to use. It’s best to pack a few different varieties if you can. Generally, you should pack the condoms that suit you and your partner, just in case your playmate doesn’t. I always pack Large and Regular Skyns condoms, because I’m mildly allergic to latex, and they’re latex free. They have a pretty good rep for being one of the more comfortable brands too, especially if you or your partner/s are well-endowed. Safe penetrative sex is usually always adhered to in the swinging world. As for things like dental dams etc, I have to be honest and say that I’ve never seen much protection used for oral sex in clubs, but that doesn’t mean you should follow suit. Many swingers will calculate the risk of what they’re comfortable with and have STI results ready to go, upon request. Obviously, nothing is risk-free, and you can make your own choices about protection and boundaries.
• Lube. Think about which lubes interact well with condoms. Many oil-based lubes aren’t recommended with latex condoms. Stick to water-based or silicone-based.
• Any equipment you might want to use in the Dungeon area. Dungeons tend to have the larger apparatus, but people often take their own floggers/ riding crops/ paddles/ ticklers etc.
• More intimate wipes.
• More mints.
• Snacks. Sex is hungry work. So is socialising all night when you’re a well-masked introvert. Snacks that I’ve found work best to eat discretely during the night are: banana chips; an actual banana; chocolate raisins; nuts (although in hindsight, this might not be great if someone you want to kiss is highly allergic. People shouldn’t have to worry about packing an EpiPen next to their butt plugs). Basically small, packaged snacks that are quite calorie dense. Side note: If you pack Wotsits, you’ll be shown out of the club immediately.
• Leggings, T-shirt, flip flops/ flats. Hear me out on this one. I’ve only recently started doing this. At 3am, when I’d been frolicking in playrooms, wearing myself out, and floating around in the hot tub, the last thing I wanted to do was put on my club dress to go home in. In fact, when watching me smugly throw on my comfy clothes, my friend was so enraged with envy about having to put on her dress and heels, she sulked all the way to the taxi. Whereas I was already three steps ahead and basically in my pyjamas ready for bed. Pro tip: Make yourself a hot water bottle when you get in bed after a club night. I used to be shaking with adrenaline, and this helps to soothe my nervous system. Add some Italian meats and a weighted blanket, and you’re Advance Levelling the post-sex club come-down.

As you go along, you’ll find what works for you and what doesn’t. This list can just be a catalyst for consideration and review.

Things to Unpack Before Going to a Sex Club

If you thought I was about to write about maybe taking that extra towel out of your bag to fit more fun stuff in it, then I’m sorry but I’m actually about to get therapist-y. Before entering a sex club, there’s a lot of value in trying to identify and unpack some emotional baggage that might pop up for you. Sometimes, you have to actually experience these things before developing that self-awareness, but I can at least discuss some things that could arise.

So…things to unpack:

• Relationship issues or sex-life problems with your partner/s. If you’re both in a bad place right now…please don’t try to fix this with a swift visit to a sex club. It’ll end in tears and an awkward strop back to the hotel at best. I’ve always found it much easier to face the intensity of a sex club, and embrace the joy of it, if my relationship with my husband is feeling strong, happy and secure. We work hard every day to understand each other, and to accommodate each other’s needs, but we try to ramp this up even further before a club event (or any ENM date for that matter). This can be difficult when work, family, and vanilla life is also doing its thing, but some tips for a smooth run-up:

Ask you partner how they’re feeling about the lifestyle.

Check you’re on the same page- talk about the event, e.g. things you’re excited or concerned about.

Set boundaries that you’re both comfortable with ahead of time, and don’t change them mid-play or mid-event. You need to be able to trust that your boundaries will be upheld even in new and intense situations. You can always revisit boundaries after the event and evolve for next time.

Ask for what you need- is that more reassurance, compliments, space or time?

Connect in ways that feel manageable- that might be regular sex, but it might actually just be a kiss on the forehead, watching TV with your head in their lap for half an hour, or reminding them that they’re your Number One.

Remember to acknowledge that you’re both doing your best, and these events can be delightful escapism from your daily life…if you can work as a team, throughout. I am my husband’s best wing-woman, and he supports me in a similar way.

• Personal insecurities and the need to compare. We all have our personal pain-points in terms of feeling that we don’t match up somehow. For some people, it’s that they feel socially awkward or don’t make friends easily. Others feel they’re ‘just too much’. Some of us are looking in the mirror each morning, wishing our stomach didn’t look like that/ that our chest was bigger/ that our thighs didn’t wobble/ that our biceps were popping more/ that we didn’t have that weird toe.

And then what do we do? We take those insecurities into a sex club in which we’re trying to meet new people, be our most confident selves, and explore sexually in an open space…often in less clothes than we’re used to. Throw in music, lighting, and highly-stimulating scenes on human surround-sound, and you’ve got yourself the perfect Breakdown Brew.

In the past, I’ve allowed all of these insecurities and thought spirals to take over, and I’ve ended up convincing myself I wasn’t cut out for the lifestyle. But at the core of it all, I knew that I was and that I just hadn’t married up my values and unique personality traits with the ENM niche that felt most true to me. Even now, clubs aren’t my most comfortable space but they HAVE forced me to tackle some inherent insecurities in the following ways:

I’ve been immersed in social interactions throughout the club night, with a variety of interesting people. Gradually, I became desensitised to this, and these particular ENM scenarios taught me far more about holding my own, than any vanilla situation could. Sometimes I’ve wished I didn’t say that thing, or made that face, but other times, I’ve made a joke and everyone laughed, or I complimented somebody and they were genuinely touched. This is human belonging.

Everyone is beautifully unique. There are curvy people; slim people; tall people; short people; hairy people; bald people. There are people from all walks of life; people who are quintessentially ‘cool’; people who are self-proclaimed ‘nerds’; people who are highly intelligent; people who are severely shy; people who look for mischief and wear a cape because it’s fun; people who have come from rocky backgrounds and finally found their tribe. I blend in and I stand out in equal measure. I’m special and I’m not. I’m a big deal and I’m also the same as everyone else. What freedom this gives you to get over yourself!

• Your biases, preconceived ideas and your expectations. This is a fairly heavy one to unpack, but in a nutshell, I’m trying to say that in order to enjoy, or gain anything from situations that are beyond our existing scope of experience, we need to be somewhat open-minded and open-hearted.

ENM (swinging and sex clubs in particular) have been portrayed really poorly in the media, and it’s much easier for people to talk about them in a judgemental way rather than to put their head above the pulpit and advocate for a more honest image of what goes on behind closed doors. And to be honest, I’m sure there are a range of occurrences in the world that many would consider deranged or unhinged…but as long as its consensual, safe and ethical…different strokes, for different folks, right?

Sex clubs might be the stuff of nightmares for many… many more will be indifferent…some will be curious…and for a whole host of people across the world, they’re the first place they’ve ever felt able to be authentically themselves.

So go forth into your conversations and research about sex clubs with a sense of openness, and realistic expectation. Be as prepared as you can by gathering information, checking in with yourself, getting some good sleep and eating well beforehand. Offer yourself kindness, and accept that you might feel overwhelmed at times but that’s normal. A club experience might not be for you, and that’s valid, but if you decide to go in search of new opportunities, you might find the perfect adventure!

Just don’t forget the wipes.