An exploration of chasing ‘highs’, enduring ‘lows’ and finding true fulfilment
Recently, I’d gone to a local tapas bar with a fellow counsellor friend, and we were discussing each other’s lives as we often do, while desperately trying not to ‘therapise’ each other. The best part of this friendship is that we understand each other, empathise diplomatically with the others’ experiences, and have a certain degree of emotional intelligence, having trained together in the field of mental health. The worst part however, is that I can’t spin a story about what I’m doing to myself without her calling me out on my shit!
I was sharing how it felt for me to be experiencing such exhilarating highs in the Ethical Non-Monogamous lifestyle, but how the two-sided nature of this particular coin, was that I often had to cope with significant lows afterwards, when trying to transition back into my ‘normal’ life again. I was honest about how this could be difficult to navigate, and how I sometimes felt horrendous in the week following a particularly amazing weekend with awesome people in the lifestyle.
The withdrawals from all that dopamine
Missing people we care about
Yearning for sexy/ playful/ connected moments again
The relative mundanity of work, finances and washing up
The desire for another adventure
The guilt about not always keeping ‘vanilla life’ plates spinning
Etc.
And that’s without even going into the rarer occasions in which a swinging/ ENM experience hasn’t been a positive one…and the cost of that on my emotional state.
I remember her smiling, nodding, and communicating genuine understanding for the choices I’ve been making to be able to play out a valued ENM relationship dynamic.
She cares when I express confusion about whether the lows (and the work it all takes to manage) are worth it afterwards. She’s an advocate for people being able to live a life that is authentically them, regardless of external expectations or norms… and isn’t ever quick to speak from a place of bias and say the easiest thing which might be
“Well if it’s hard, don’t do it.”
However, as we were talking about the drug-like pull of ENM adventures, and the unwelcome feelings that can follow, I know she would have quickly analysed the disparity between my voice, and the smile on my lips as I shot out a laugh:
“It’s all fun and games! No harm done though, right?”
I think she ignored this skillful deflection and gently offered something like
“well I get it but… I wonder if it could be considered self-harm in some ways?”
This stopped me in my tracks. I’d never seen it this way before.
I recognised that some of what I put myself through does feel harmful.
And I wonder if you have ever done things that were potential harmful, when seeking the highs of adventure and opportunity?
Wouldn’t it be simpler to spend our adult lives focusing on the more typical aspects of life, like going to work, coming home, being an ever-present parent and partner, knowing what to cook for dinner every night, keeping up with messages from family/ friends, choosing a film to watch on Netflix on a Friday night, feeling rested on a Sunday?
Wouldn’t it be less distracting to be able to sit at laptops and sort our expenses, without flashes of gorgeous piles of bodies moving together, going through our minds?
Wouldn’t it be more comfortable to only have to worry about the relationship between two people, rather than have to consider the nuances and complexities of forming connections with others, too?
To not feel so consistently nervous and anxious about how a date/ event/ interaction is going to go?
Wouldn’t it just be easier to follow the status quo and stick to the grind?
Can we balance it all?
Can I?
Well, I think it all comes down to what you truly want from life. And the price you’re willing to pay to get it.
Chasing Highs and Enduring Lows
The Addiction Cycle
As I begin referring to anything linked to addiction, I’d like to add a firm disclaimer that:
*** I am merely talking about mild parallels in some of the neurological processes that can occur when people are chasing some kind of high. I am not referring to people who have suffered truly devastating addictions, such as to drugs/ substances/ alcohol/ sex/ gambling etc. And if you believe that you may need professional support with an addiction, please find support, reach out to somebody you trust, or go to your GP. Talk about it as soon as possible; you deserve help, and addiction is not something you can move through alone.***
So…despite me referring to the much less serious tendency to be searching for peak GOOD TIMES in the lifestyle, and often prioritising those highs above other things, there are some similarities with addiction in the way that our brains seek motivation and reward, before forming memory systems, which encourages us to continue seeking highs, despite the inevitable lows.
After all, love and sex can feel like powerful drugs…
The Four C’s of Addiction
Experts have put forward that there are potentially four distinct characteristics of addiction that separate it from other neurological disorders:
Compulsion: An overpowering urge to fuel an addiction. Behaviours begin impulsively but move into compulsion. By not indulging in these behaviours, extreme anxiety can occur and daily life is affected.
Craving: The urge to fuel the addiction can feel akin to physical pain, and the craving becomes increasingly powerful.
Consequences: Addictive behaviours persist, despite the fact that negative consequences are apparent, such as an impact on work/relationships/money etc.
Control: The person loses the ability to control their addictive behaviours, and is no longer able to reduce or eliminate the behaviours used to fuel the addiction.
Pretty serious stuff.
Now as I said before, I’m not saying that us lifestylers and ENM-ers are addicted to sex, intimacy or love (although some might be, as with the general population)! But, can you relate to even a subtle version of these elements?
For me, I wouldn’t say that there is a compulsion to seek ENM adventures and seriously Hot Times every single day. But there is definitely a significant part of me that wants to be living my best life with people I respect, care about and seriously fancy…as often as possible.
When I’ve experienced the most exciting sex with my partner, or the most incredible foursome with another couple, I know I begin to crave it again when it’s over. I want that euphoric dopamine hit to flood my brain again; I want pleasure to course through my veins; and I want to feel connected and really alive more often.
So occasionally, despite the fact that I suffer a brutal ‘come-down’ after a sexy weekend club event, a date, a holiday away or spa break with ENM friends, I’ll continue to seek these experiences and to plan them into my crowded calendar. I’ll face the consequences of being distracted at work; my perceived parenting failures because my husband and I have had time to ourselves; the societal guilt; the sadness of it being over; the physical and mental exhaustion etc… because I just want to be in the midst of that amazing memory again, rather than squinting at it through the blurry lens of the past.
As for control, I’m generally quite disciplined in balancing most aspects of my vanilla and ENM life, despite my personal challenges of not yet being able to integrate them openly yet (or ever). However, there are definitely times when I don’t have the level of resilience or willpower that I’d like with it all. I can’t always control my emotions about the lifestyle. I don’t always remember to look after myself properly as an introvert and a highly sensitive person. I plan too much in and regret it later; I burn the candle at both ends; I agree to things I shouldn’t; I overthink and suffer with angst; we spend money we don’t have on outfits, dates, events and experiences.
All for the high of life that is ethical non-monogamy and swinging!
And when I’m sitting there, tired beyond measure and wondering why the fuck I keep putting myself through the erratically pulsing heartbeat of: anticipation, nerves, excitement, anxiety, hope, disappointment, euphoria, emptiness and connection… I remember:
It’s about having the courage to be authentically me.
And carving out genuine fulfilment in a life that’s all too fleeting.
Even when it’s hard.
Fulfilment
To understand fulfilment, we need to understand ‘needs’. As human beings, we all have needs that we constantly seek to be met. Sometimes those needs are as simple as “I need to eat soon”, whereas other needs are rooted in deeper childhood wounds in which we might not have received the care and love that we deserved.
Maslow’s Heirarchy of Needs outlines this kind of thing pretty well:
The idea is that we need the most basic of needs (at the bottom of the pyramid) to be met before we can ascend to the more complex needs above. That isn’t to say that we move our way up the pyramid strategically like a shopping centre escalator; life isn’t linear like that. We may move up and down the Hierarchy of Needs throughout our lives but essentially, it outlines what we need as humans to survive…and what we need to feel fulfilled.
What’s particularly interesting to me with Maslow’s theory, is not just how well it depicts aspects of human nature in general, but also how much of it transpires within the ENM lifestyle- in people’s behaviour; their motivations; their emotions; the experiences they seek; the needs they want to be fulfilled.
It’s no secret that a significant part of the ENM lifestyle is centred around:
- our physiological needs for sex;
- our emotional need for intimacy and belonging, within a community which also challenges the idea that we must fit into a particular relational box;
- the need to feel respected and understood in this community; to feel held in high esteem
- the striving for self-actualisation in which we can finally embrace our authentic self.
And that last one is where it gets a little deeper. It involves the need to integrate and reconcile our individual sense of morality, prejudice and ability to embody acceptance of our true selves. Which many of us grapple with for the duration that we’re on this Earth.
This is particularly relevant in a world that still largely rejects the idea of ENM; in which it’s still a taboo and misrepresented topic; in which people are still hiding and feeling guilt and shame…just for seeking relationships/ encounters beyond the societal norm…and trying to love in a way that feels right for them, but wrong in the eyes of many others.
Likewise, the concept goes beyond ENM too… and relates to any discriminated group who are misunderstood, judged and vilified.
Is it a surprise then, that some of us are desperate for the ‘high’ of intimate connection within a community that might just embrace us, when we might not have even learnt how to embrace ourselves?
And is it any wonder that we’ll pay the price of absolute lows, and emotional hardship to experience it?
Needs are valid. Needs are healthy.
But we owe it to ourselves to consider the ways in which we’re trying to get our needs met on the way to fulfilment. Otherwise, we can do more damage than good.
Healthy Habits
Life is rich in its opportunities for choices and decision-making. Some people believe in making or manifesting their own luck, whereas others believe that their future is laid before them like the fateful yellow-brick road. Whatever your beliefs, there can be no harm done by increasing your self-awareness and committing to discovering the facets of your true self…especially if you’re finding that there are emotional conflicts within the way you choose to live your life.
Some valuable ‘mental health’ habits that you could try when navigating the highs and lows of this kind of life are:
- Identify the conflict- what feels ‘high’ and what feels ‘low’?
- What behaviours are you exhibiting to reach these highs, and what actions are you taking to cope with the lows? Are they sustainable? Are they healthy? If not, make some changes if you can.
- What ‘needs’ are lying beneath the search for ‘highs’? Is this the healthiest way to meet them? Is it the only way to meet them?
- What emotions are bubbling below the ‘lows’? Are these rooted in the past or present?
- Offer yourself compassion and understanding… be the ideal parent to the child version of yourself.
Many of us didn’t grow up with specific role models for how to navigate complex ENM situations and relationships; we didn’t have a blueprint to follow which told us what to say/ how to be/ ways to manage confusing emotions; we weren’t always celebrated for being our flawed, messy selves. Some of us are struggling with identity, sexuality and all manner of different things alongside this!
Ultimately, asking for our needs to be met as adults can feel selfish, strange and indulgent. And if you weren’t always lucky enough to feel the warmth of proper nurture as a child or adolescent, you might not understand the healthiest ways to balance your desire for sex, adventure, love, relationships, belonging and acceptance…with some boundaries that will keep you emotionally safe.
So sometimes, maybe we do throw ourselves into some crazy high-seeking behaviour when the child-like version of ourselves pops up and wants it all ‘now now now’! And maybe we do occasionally find ourselves falling off an emotional cliff as a result. But with time, understanding and some reflection, we can find fulfilment in the right way for us.
But look…
Sometimes doing all of these things feels tiring, boring and really hard! So if you’re anything like me finding your way through the world of ENM… sometimes it’s okay to throw caution to the wind!
- Plan those wild adventures;
- Stay up way too late;
- Be open to experiences and opportunities;
- Revel in the pure unadulterated joy of other peoples’ touch;
- Run your social battery flat occasionally and;
- Lay on the sofa for a day afterwards like a Victorian lady recovering from the morbs.
After all, the sun’s probably still gonna rise tomorrow!
Beyond the Pineapple 