“I’m a Fraud!” – Facing Impostor Syndrome in the Lifestyle

“You don’t know what you’re doing!”

“Why are you here?”

“You’re clearly in over your head.”

“This success won’t last forever…they’ll find you out soon enough.”

“You’ve just been lucky so far… next time won’t be so easy.”

“How long can you keep up this pretence?”

“Turn yourself in…you’re not good enough!”

“You’re a fraud!”

Well, that made for happy reading, didn’t it?

I’m wondering if any thoughts such as these have played on your mind at some point in your life? If so, perhaps you’ve felt like an impostor during these times…somebody who has somehow found their way serendipitously into an arena of success or accomplishment, but who, at the heart of it, does not feel they belong.

I had a real taste of this when recently, I attended what was probably the fanciest, most extravagant wedding of my entire life (past, present and future I suspect), in which my brother got married at a beach-side, Sicilian resort. I was put up in an £800 per-night hotel room by my most generous sibling, which consisted of a stunning four-poster bed, embossed robes and slippers, a view that would make angels sing, and mini-bar crisps that cost more than my monthly mortgage repayment. I was scared to open even one bottle of ‘acqua frizzante’, because having seen the price of it, I knew I’d be disappointed if it didn’t taste like the water had been collected from the glittering, snowy foothills of Narnia, and distilled by the majestic talents of golden pixies.

Anyway, the next day, my husband, young son and I had been granted access to the private pool club following check-out. By this point, I was already waiting for a member of staff to rush up to us, and announce that this resort ‘wasn’t for peasants’, before escorting us off of the manicured lawns. And when the gorgeous lifeguard ‘Andreas’ approached me, asking if I wanted to enlist my son in the week-long ‘Swim Academy’, I almost laughed out loud, wondering how I had managed to create the persona of somebody who could afford to step foot on this resort, let alone stay for a whole week!

It was then that I glanced over at my brother and his beautiful new bride, casually lounging on daybeds with watermelon sorbet, and a sense of true belonging that I just couldn’t fathom in this scene…and it suddenly occurred to me: I’ve grown up with this boy… this man.

We were a family of five, living on the breadline. I once pinned an older boy against the wall at Secondary school, my heart beating in my chest, because he had stolen my little brother’s free meal ticket, and without it, he wouldn’t eat for the whole school day. I was very used to enjoying life with very little money, and although I am now in a much more comfortable position as an adult, I can see why I might still feel out of place in environments of pure luxury. But my brother! There was absolutely no lack of belonging going on for him there. In fact, he was embodying his ridiculously huge Gucci sunglasses with the air of somebody who knew he deserved all the trappings of a hedonistic lifestyle! And why shouldn’t he! I was genuinely pleased for him, and we all know that there are far more fulfilling things in life than financial wealth…but it highlighted to me that I have often felt like an impostor in a few areas of my life, and it was a bit of a revelation that clearly not everyone experiences this! But enough of us do… and of course, since I write blog posts about the ENM lifestyle, I’ll be exploring how it could manifest there, too.

So I’ve told you a little story that alludes to it…but what exactly is Impostor Syndrome?

The phenomenon of Impostor Syndrome (also described as ‘IS’ for short, fraud syndrome, impostorism and perceived fraudulence) was first coined by clinical psychologists Pauline Rose Clance and Suzanne Imes in 1978. It resulted primarily from initial observations of professional women and other marginalised groups, but has expanded way beyond this in scientific literature and the media… and unless you’ve been living under a rock (increasingly tempting in this economic climate), you’ll know that the term is now becoming increasingly pervasive. Despite this, it’s one of those things that’s difficult to nail down in terms of actual prevalence and it isn’t recorded as an actual mental health condition, e.g. in the DSM-5. However, in my culture at least, and the situations that I have experienced, the term is used freely and colloquially, and seems to be rising in popularity.

The Oxford dictionary defines Impostor Syndrome as: the persistent inability to believe that one’s success is deserved or has been legitimately achieved as a result of one’s own efforts or skills.

It’s the tendency to not be able to experience success (however you define success) internally, despite being objectively accomplished by external measures. This can cause feelings of anxiety, because we tend to ‘wear a mask’ to disguise, or over-compensate for the idea that we are frauds, or fakes! After a while, it becomes exhausting wearing the different ‘faces’ of our supposed impostorism each day, and we can eventually become depressed, as well as anxious.

That mask gets heavy AF.

Perhaps you’re reading this and thinking “Huh. I’ve never felt like an imposter… weird.”

If this is you, I implore you to immediately create an educative workshop in which you charge astronomical prices and teach the rest of us how to cope!

If, however, you’re relating hard to this kind of thing, then you’re not alone.

Impostor Syndrome/ IS involves some common (but not insurmountable) cognitive distortions, which are exaggerated or irrational thought patterns that cause individuals to perceive reality inaccurately.

And there are ways to cope with it. I’ll get to that soon, but first, let’s explore how feelings of Impostor Syndrome can manifest in different areas of our lives. I’ll try to highlight some of mine, including within the ENM lifestyle, and perhaps you can do the same. After all, until we’re aware of these cognitive distortions, we can’t challenge them or overcome them.

A helpful way to do this might be to refer to further research into IS, which is the proposed IS ‘cycle’:

Perfectionism: This refers to somebody dealing with Impostor Syndrome needing to be the best. They impose almost unattainable standards and expectations upon themselves, which can lead to chronic over-work, catastrophising of minor mistakes, being ultra-critical of themselves, and sacrificing other areas of their lives to attain these goals of ‘perfection’.

If ever there was a labelled box, neatly wrapped in a bow and given as a gift to me as a child, this is it.

I spent my whole childhood sandwiched between one older sibling who brought untold volatility to the family, and a younger sibling who was a ‘lovable’ rogue, completely unwilling to fit into any sort of mould. So my role was assigned to me early… be the best. I was your typical anxiety-ridden high-achiever child, who beat herself up over a B+ for months, who attended four or five dance classes per week as a teenager and held down three weekend jobs while studying…and an obsessive young adult who probably missed out on too many University adventures, because the thought of not achieving a first-class degree was paralysing. I’m telling you this because genuinely, perfectionism is the road to misery and I don’t want that for you, lovely reader.

Fortunately, I’ve committed to a few years of therapy and have mostly overcome the perils of perfectionism.

So what ENM lifestyle links might arise for you?

Perhaps you spend way too long striving for the ‘perfect’ look when going on a date. Maybe you over-think the interactions and experiences you’ve had because you didn’t feel as though you made the perfect impression. It’s possible that you miss out on awesome ENM experiences because either you don’t feel you match up to the ‘perfect’ person you’re striving for, and you’ve become too self-conscious, or you find it difficult to give others a chance because they don’t match up to what your ‘perfect’ version of what a partner should be. Perhaps you try to be the perfect partner emotionally, physically, sexually, etc…and it just ends up being exhausting rather than loving and fun.

Super-Heroism: This follows on from perfectionism and refers to the need to be the best, but what sets it apart slightly is that in IS, it presents itself as the need to over-prepare, to give the impression that you are more than capable of completing these high bench-mark tasks. It involves a high level of additional workload.

Lifestyle links:

Perhaps you compare yourself to your partner’s/ lover’s/playmate’s other partners, and worry inadvertently that you are not their favourite, or the best they’ve ever had. This can definitely spoil the moment of deep connection or good sex that you could be having! Another example could be that each time you host fellow ENM-ers, or a potential partner at your house, you fill yourself with anxiety over how clean, tidy or well-equipped your house must be, and work yourself to the bone until they arrive.

I have to say that my husband is guilty of this, and whilst he will claim that he’s simply creating a nice environment for our guests (which I’m all for by the way), it can go too far. Occasionally, the prospect of booking a sexy date fills me with dread, because I know the prerequisite to it often involves me having to turn into Mrs. Hinch. To my husband: nobody is looking at how shiny the skirting boards are when we’re all naked. Give yourself a break, pal.

Atychiphobia (Fear of Failure): Pretty self-explanatory. When faced with internally, or externally imposed tasks, people with IS can develop a fear of being shamed; being humiliated or embarrassed; being discovered as ‘incompetent’; being exposed as the impostor they believe they are.

Lifestyle links: Some of my admittedly ridiculous moments in this part of the IS cycle include not being able to orgasm with new partners. Rationally, I know that orgasm is not the goal of a satisfying and fun sexual experience, and that it’s just as (if not more) important to focus on the ‘journey’ rather than the ‘destination.’ But my personal experience is that I have felt the pressure so many times (sometimes internal pressure but more often from male partners) who really want me to come (and I do get it, I really do- who doesn’t love giving their partner an orgasm?)… but it can result in a feeling of failure when I don’t. Luckily, my husband, and a couple of my partners have been nothing short of healing in helping me to get past this, and have supported me in learning how to enjoy receiving pleasure without worrying about ‘failing’. I recommend you get yourself some beautiful partners such as this.

Other stories I have heard from ENM friends is that they fear other aspects of supposed ‘failure’ such as: not lasting long enough in the bedroom/ being socially awkward/ being rejected/ being inexperienced with new partners, etc. I’m sure you can think of a few!

Denial of Competence and Capability: Some individuals with IS achieve legitimate success on their own merit, but will trivialise this, or deny that they had anything to do with it; it was just luck/ by chance. They deny their valid skill-set, talent or hard work.

Lifestyle links: Perhaps you managed to attract a partner (or partners/ playmates) that you previously assumed would be ‘out of your league’ (let’s not address this questionable thinking just now). Or you have made deep connections with people you really admire, and you’re wondering how you managed it! You might be thinking “if they knew the real me, they wouldn’t be attracted to me/ feel the same way, anymore.” You might feel as though you’ve pulled the wool over their eyes and that deep-down, you don’t completely deserve this. Well if you actually are a wolf in sheep’s clothing/ a bit of a psychopath/ narcissist/ generally dodgy person, chances are that you wouldn’t be worrying about whether you deserved the good stuff. But maybe, just maybe, these people who are drawn to you have recognised something pretty special in you, or you’ve worked hard to become the catch that you are…so try to own it. So many times, we manifest a self-fulfilling prophecy in which we push people away with our insecurities, rather than with the thing we were worried about in the first place.

Achievemephobia (fear of success): This refers to the fear of success, because it often comes with additional expectations, pressure and/or workload. It can prevent people from making an effort to change or to reach their goals, which can lead to lower levels of life satisfaction.

Lifestyle links: This was a tricky one for me to think about, as the other potential elements of Impostor Syndrome seem more common within the ENM lifestyle, at least in my experience. Despite that, I have noticed that when some of the other aspects are at play for me during times of high stress, e.g. perfectionism, super-heroism and fear of failure, I tend to decline opportunities with other people. This is because I know that enjoying the success of more connections comes with the additional pressure and work that I will impose on myself. Despite letting go of this tendency with the people I am most familiar with, when faced with new opportunities, I often begin preparing the most appropriate mask to wear…

The character who believes in herself;

The face of confidence;

The one with the sparkling house;

The mask of somebody engaging and extroverted;

The persona who is endlessly sexy and definitely doesn’t eat pizza and ice-cream in bed, watching crime documentaries.

I’m aware now that I do this when I’m feeling vulnerable, as it protects the raw version of myself that is beneath… and hopefully this post has given you some food-for-thought about where your tendencies lie; what might be beneath the masks you’ve chosen to wear along the way; what distorted perceptions you might want to gently challenge in the name of growth.

As I said before:

Awareness truly is the key to confronting your experiences with Impostor Syndrome.

Gaining Awareness and What to do With It

• Remind yourself that you are not alone. You are human, and humans are beautifully flawed.
• Examine yourself with honesty, and compassion.
• Take note of any negative self-talk and challenge it as you would with a close friend.
• Look for reasons behind your negative self-perceptions; past and present. Be a detective.
• Journal the thoughts and feelings associated with what you now know about IS.
• Put some of these distorted thoughts ‘on trial’, with evidence ‘for’ and ‘against’. This will help you to honestly challenge your thinking patterns and make changes where you need to.
• Talk to people you trust about your thoughts and feelings. Do their perceptions of you match your own? Maybe you are a bit of a dick once in a while…or maybe you really aren’t!
• Work on making positive ripples in the pond- you have an impact, it’s true… and we have a responsibility to honestly reflect on who we are and what we do, but with kindness.
• Do yourself the honour of actually showing up for yourself day after day. We can’t possibly experience all there is to offer in this world, so at least experience yourself .

Take the mask off for a moment.

Who are you?

Who could you become?