Panic at the Disco!

Coping with Anxiety and Other Strong Emotions in Sex Clubs

As much as I’m tempted to portray an image of being a sex club connoisseur, riding high on a mountain of wild and uncomplicated experiences around the underground lifestyle clubs of the UK… I couldn’t (and wouldn’t) pull this off convincingly. In fact, honest vulnerability is a much more familiar language for me, and I hope this post brings some solace, understanding or acceptance for the fact that sex clubs, (whilst liberating, hot and exciting), can also be hotbeds for anxiety, nerves, confusion, rejection and upset. Sign us up, right?! Let’s dive in.

Recently, I attended an event, hosted by some well-known lifestyle podcasters, who have curated a wonderful community of like-minded ethically non-monogamous (ENM) folk. The lead up to the event involved us all communicating daily through Discord (a secure social media messaging app which was only open to attendees and moderated by the organisers), getting to know each other, sending sexy photos and generally being respectful humans who share an appreciation of this lifestyle. Fab. The event itself was a fantastic social pre-meet in a cocktail bar, and then on to a nearby sex club for the night (and early morning hours!).

From the outside, (if you somehow had sneaky powers of invisibility and happened to be witnessing the scene as a neutral observer), you could be forgiven for thinking that nights at a lifestyle club are filled with pockets of socialising, decent drinks, banging music, intriguing nooks for ‘activities’, wildly questionable porn quality on scattered screens, and people involved in a whole range of hot fun and confident debauchery. And you’d be generally on the right page. Unfortunately, I’ve never quite witnessed my desired Roman orgy vibe in which I lay spread across a comfy bed in loose cloth, while a gorgeous person wearing fig leaves feeds me grapes… but in this life, you can’t have it all. Anyway, what I’m trying to get at is that there is a flip-side to the comparative hedonism of the sex club coin: unsettling emotions and anxiety. Boo hiss.

I could spend all day talking about how my husband and I experienced some emotional complications at this particular event, but that’s probably best kept for my own therapist (yes, counsellors also need therapists now and again; I call it the Chain of Pain!) But what did come to light in the following days on our valued Discord chats, was that so many attendees, whilst enjoying the event, had experienced very similar anxieties. It occurred to me that there was a sheer sense of relief and solidarity when we were all sharing together; a sense of debunking the myth that us lifestylers, ENM-ers and poly people are always hugely robust when faced with natural human emotions surrounding a club visit. I’m talking: social anxiety, isolation, rejection, tearfulness, envy, jealousy, bewilderment and OVERWHELM. Of course, these are feelings that occur in normal life for most people at some point, but let me tell you, a sex club can shine the brightest of laboratory lights on them, even if you’ve helpfully built a lovely veneer of denial for yourself! This isn’t to say that you should avoid clubs in case you experience emotional discomfort or even pain, but I think it’s essential that if we are to enjoy the liberation and FUN that clubs can offer, then we need to at least prepare ourselves for scenarios, work on some self-awareness, and be willing to honestly communicate what came up for us at any given moment.

So… what kinds of things might come up for you when you’re in this environment? Obviously this is highly personal to you and some things can only be dissected after you’ve actually experienced them (sorry), but here is a far-from-extensive list of what arose in our community debrief:

Feeling overwhelmed with the general intensity of the club environment.
Feeling as though you’re on the outside- lonely in a crowd type-of-thing/ not involved in the ‘clique’.
The ol’ social anxiety chestnut- how do I start a conversation? What if I come across a bit weird? How do I escape if I’ve had enough? What if I’m standing on my own for too long? What if I’m overwhelmed with too many people? It goes on.
Play-specific anxiety and expectation/ rejection- How can I tell if somebody is interested in me? What if I get rejected? How can I politely decline an invitation of play without hurting feelings or being rude? What if nobody wants me? Again, it goes on!
Sexual performance- I’m so turned on but I’m not hard/ wet. What’s going on? I can’t orgasm in this environment/ I’m not going to last long. What if our play styles are mismatched, or I’m suddenly just not feeling it anymore? etc.
Comparison/ body consciousness- I hate my (insert body part here). They are much thinner/ curvier/ more beautiful/ less bald/more confident (etc) than me. I’m not enough.
Envy/ jealousy- my partner seems to be enjoying that more with them than me. I wish we were playing with that couple/ person and instead they are with somebody else and it hurts. Ugh, I’m missing out.
Time pressure- we only get to do this every few weeks/ months, so tonight NEEDS to go well. I’ve only been speaking to this person for half an hour but there seems to be a sexual expectation since we are in a club surrounded by playrooms! Do I want that? If I do, how do get to that point? If I don’t, will it be awkward?
Unwell/ out of action- I’ve waited months for this experience and now I feel like crap/ I’ve got a coldsore/ I have cramps/ my period has started/ I’m just feeling ‘off.’

Reading this list, I’m sure you’re wondering if there’s any point in visiting a lifestyle club , or signing up to an event, when it seems there is a veritable obstacle course of potentially uncomfortable scenarios to overcome once you’ve invested!

It’s true that maybe the club scene won’t be for you, and that’s OK! I’d be lying if I said I haven’t had deliciously dramatic moments where I’ve sworn off clubs (and the whole ENM thing) for life. When I’m hurting, I want to burn it all to the ground. But…as I force the therapist hat back on for just a little while, I invite you to at least consider the beautiful words of my pal Oscar Wilde:

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist and that is all.”

Truly ‘living’ looks different to everyone, but if you decide that a small part of your vibrant ENM journey could be enhanced with a sex club visit, and you’re willing to work through some potential cringe and discomfort to get there, it might be helpful to remember:

You are valid. Your feelings are valid. There shouldn’t be a value judgement on emotions. e.g. jealousy is not a negative emotion. It just needs processing.
You’re putting yourself in an environment that’s still beyond the ‘typical’ experiences of the general public. Of course it’ll be overwhelming at times! Prepare yourself as much as you can for what might be difficult for you, lean on support where you can, and put any necessary boundaries in place (e.g. I won’t play this evening; I’ll just be part of a sexy environment/ I promise myself I won’t do anything I’m uncomfortable with just to avoid awkwardness, etc). Stay true to those boundaries for that night; you can always be more flexible next time.
CONSENT is EVERYTHING. Not just any consent- enthusiastic consent. Nobody should ever coerce or pressure you to do anything that you aren’t 100% excited to do. And obviously, you won’t do anything without the same consent. So please don’t feel awkward about saying ‘no thanks’, and definitely accept somebody else’s ‘no’ with nothing but grace and respect. Generally, I’ve found UK sex clubs to be very hot on consent, and they often feel much safer than nightclubs and venues I visited when younger. But remember that ‘No’ is a complete sentence and if it’s not a Hell Yeah!, it’s still a No.
Communicate, communicate, communicate. If you have a partner/ partners/ lover friends etc, talk about your thoughts, feelings, concerns, and experiences until you are blue in the face. If you’re a single person in the lifestyle, talk to a trusted friend/ to the person you’ve had experiences with if it feels safe. Journal. Do it all. Processing, reviewing, adapting and evolving are key in this game.

Finally, consider some resources to better equip you with resilience in ENM, and to build a foundation so that you can continue having fun, while you navigate the tricky task of breaking down social norms, societal structures, and carving out a life that fits you as an individual. Here are some to get you started:

https://psychcentral.com/health/ethical-non-monogamy-polyamory?c=984916139287#myths

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/ethical-non-monogamy-guide

https://www.polyphilia.blog/home/polyamory-resource-list

https://www.normalizingnonmonogamy.com/swinger-and-polyamory-podcast