“Swenvy”- Envy, Jealousy and FOMO in the Swinging Lifestyle

As you read on, you’ll come to recognise that this post probably feels much less about any logic, theory or therapeutic reasoning, and more about my musings on a topic that so far, I haven’t found much information on…at least in the specific way for which I was searching. It’s all a bit new, and it’s still a bit confusing, but I hope you’ll sense some solidarity if you’ve ever found yourself experiencing something similar to the dreaded ‘swenvy’.

The word “swenvy” (a merging of ‘swinger’ and ‘envy’) is a casual term that some of our closest lifestyle friends came up with, to describe the feelings that arise when your play partners are enjoying connections and experiences with people who aren’t you!

Just to compare and clarify, I think it’s worth defining the difference between envy and jealousy within the context of the swinging lifestyle/ spectrum. These emotions often travel together, but they aren’t the same, as unpleasant as they both can be.

When I talk about envy, I’m talking about the desire for what another person has at any one time, usually without much negativity, or any feelings of maliciousness towards them. It’s more of an uneasy, discontented, or mild longing feeling. Maybe it involves a heavy dose of FOMO (Fear of Missing Out). Jealousy, however, could be described as closer to feeling threatened, betrayed, or angry. Perhaps there is a loss, or the threat of losing something important to you.

When I first experienced swenvy, I have to admit that I was completely confused about what the hell was going on. Here I was having the best time with my husband in the ENM (ethically non-monogamous) lifestyle, having been lucky enough to recently meet and get to know a couple we’d clicked with, on a level that felt quite unusual. The mental connection was obvious; the physical attraction was immediate; our communication styles were so similar and best of all, when we got together, the sex was searingly hot. We found each other hilarious outside of this and as time went on, we’d often speak about other parts of our vanilla lives, and share some really honest emotions too. In essence, the four-way connection was there, and we were having some serious FUN, while building a solid friendship.

And then one day, we were all casually messaging as usual and happened to mention some plans that we each had with other ENM friends. Now obviously, we were all aware that we are, by our very nature, non-monogamous; that we weren’t exclusive with each other (nor did we want to be), and that this would generally involve enjoying time playing with others! But I couldn’t deny that there was a significant pang of … something, in the pit of my stomach.

I want to be going there/ doing that thing/ having fun with this amazing couple.

Will their other playmates be more fun/ better in bed/ more confident [insert irrational thought/ late night catastrophising here] than me?

Damn, my friends are having hot, sexy times with other people while I’m sat here doing my tax returns.

At first, I was keen to hide these thoughts and feelings. After all, I’m all about the compersion (experiencing true happiness and joy when my partner is ‘enjoying’ another) and if I can genuinely feel positivity when my husband is intimate or sexual with others, why do I feel even an ounce of envy when my play partners are doing the same? More on this in a minute!

On top of this, many typical informative resources for swingers will often wave holy water at you while shouting EMOTIONS BE GONE!

Obviously, I’m exaggerating, but you get the drift of what common messages are sent to swingers about keeping sex and emotions separate in order to ‘protect your primary relationship.’ Now, if your dynamic is purely ‘swinger-esque’, and you’ve both agreed to seek only sexual experiences with others, you might need to re-evaluate things if you begin to feel deeper connections with play partners that feel threatening to you or your partner. However, I can only speak for the dynamic that my husband and I share on the ENM spectrum, and that is one of desiring friendship and emotional/ mental connection as well as sexy things, with others. It’s my opinion (and experience) with this type of relationship with others in which sex and intimacy intersect, that envy and longing can coexist alongside the compersion we’re all striving for.

So, why do we feel swenvy?

Only you can answer that. It’s unique to everyone, and dependent on your past experiences; your personality type; your current circumstances; your individual perceptions.

For me?

As a therapist (who can’t exactly counsel herself, but can at least attempt to offer some self-compassion), it was important to remember that there shouldn’t be a value judgement placed on a feeling. Emotions just are. It’s our job to acknowledge the feeling, recognise it for what it is, and truly allow ourselves to feel it. The minute we try to ignore, fight or suppress a natural feeling, it becomes bigger and bigger until it’s unmanageable.

For example, you might have felt sad and fearful about something once and ‘successfully’ pushed it way down where nobody will ever find it…but later that day, maybe the cup wouldn’t quite fit in the dishwasher and you’ve flipped out at it, or maybe your coffee granules spilled on the side and you were a puddle of tears. Well, it’s never about the cup or the coffee.

So you’re a bit envious of your lovely playmates who are off having a great time with somebody else? That’s fine. Own it. If you’re able to have a brief chat with yourself, watch something funny on the TV and cuddle up to your partner/s before moving on, then great! If, however, the envy or jealousy is becoming a little too uncomfortable, it might be a good idea to look inwards a bit. Ask yourself:

What’s beneath this envious feeling?

Is this just a simple case of me feeling bored today, and wanting to do something fun? Or am I craving more attention/ needing to feel seen or heard more? How can I work to fill this gap in myself? Can I express some of these needs to my partner?

Am I feeling sad or fearful? Perhaps knowing that my play partners (who I feel connected to) are having amazing times with others is reminding my unconscious brain of times that I felt rejected, abandoned or ‘not good enough’ in the past?

Do I have some Negative Automatic Thoughts (NAT’s) going on? E.g. I’m not good enough. They’ll probably prefer this other couple to us. We don’t have as much fun. What if their bodies are hotter than mine? Ugh.

It’s worth learning to recognise these when they happen and challenge them:

1. Whose voice is that, telling me I’m not good enough? Is it the voice of my parent I could never quite impress? Is the voice of an early teacher who was always a bit disappointed in my efforts? This doesn’t have to be your voice! You are enough.
2. This isn’t a competition- there is room for enjoying so many experiences with a range of wonderful people. I don’t need to compare our fun to other’s peoples fun. But if I still feel I need to add more fulfilling things into my week, then I can work towards that.
3. In a nutshell, there will always be somebody whose body is ‘better’ or ‘worse’ than mine…but the beauty of this is that it’s subjective and who’s to say what is or isn’t beautiful?! I’m more than the shell I walk around in… I can work on being physically and mentally healthy.

So here are some examples of way to challenge and re-frame your thoughts when it comes to comparing, envying and generally bumming yourself out.

Don’t forget that a certain famous psychologist called Carl Jung also put forward the idea of our Inner Child. Perhaps sometimes that little kid inside us just doesn’t want to share for a moment, and feels a tad sulky. Be honest with yourself, offer that inner child some guidance from the adult version of yourself, and remind them that the human heart and mind is capable of opening itself to so many experiences…if it feels safe enough to do so.

Comparison…and swenvy, really can be the thief of joy. So give yourself permission to start focusing on your own journey and try to enjoy the ride, bumps and all!