Summer has flitted by in fits and starts here in the South East of England, and I’ve been enjoying the odd ice cream (or ten). At some point, I was sitting there pondering why I’ve never been the type to look undoubtedly sexy while eating a cone (you know, hair gently whipping in the breeze…sundress discretely caressing a thigh…a smooth rivulet of caramel running over gently-placed fingers…a pensive look in her eye, as she considers the horizon and her mind wanders noncommittally over transgressions from a lifetime ago).
Soon after, I let my focus turn to a couple who were standing at the ice cream counter, struggling to decide which flavour to choose, and honestly, it seemed as though this decision was akin to making a choice about who to settle down with.
I’ve always had vanilla… am I brave enough to try another flavour when I already know this is good for me?
Will I enjoy this? Or will it leave a bad taste in my mouth?
What if I choose this one, and I see a different flavour later that looks more delicious?
Can I mix flavours or does that come at a cost?
I’m paralysed by choice, and don’t know what’s best.
Why is this so hard for me when everyone else is out there enjoying themselves?
I’ve made a mistake. Now what?
Now, if you haven’t recognised yet that I might not only be talking about ice cream, I don’t know what to tell you!
Having been navigating some type of Ethically Non-Monogamous (ENM) lifestyle for around six years now, there have been many moments, particularly in recent months, where I wonder:
Am I doing it all wrong?
And I know from my research, my community, and ongoing conversations with others that this is a concern that’s shared by so many people who are just trying to find their place; their people; their ‘tribe’; their preferred ‘flavours’ within the world of consensual non-monogamy.
Because let’s face it, whereas most of us (if we were lucky) were taken to a variety of different ice cream vans/ counters/ cafes growing up, and learnt how to navigate the expectations, the choices, the price, and how to manage the joy vs disappointment or regret… nobody ever really taught us how to navigate ENM. Rarely were most of us offered a different model from traditional relationships, and most of us were probably unaware that other dynamics even existed beyond these societal norms. As a result, we weren’t exposed to much beyond ‘vanilla’. We grew up believing vanilla was the right choice; the good choice; the only choice.
And please know, I’m not expressing the opinion that vanilla isn’t valid, beautiful, wholesome, or ‘right’. I believe that there absolutely is a place for monogamous ideals and traditional lifestyles (however you interpret that), perhaps even for most people. Even within my own marriage, my husband is a priority for me, and I’m fiercely proud and protective of our family unit. We were monogamous and objectively ‘traditional’ for many years. I see lots of monogamous relationships and ‘socially expected / accepted’ lifestyles thriving, and that will always be an amazing thing.
But I’m advocating for EDUCATION, CHOICE and FREEDOM to choose, without fear of discrimination, isolation or rebuke.
What about those of us who never felt as though we fit into these ideals?
What about those of us who felt like outsiders of the status quo, and could never quite understand why?
What about those of us who knew (consciously or unconsciously) that we weren’t quite wired that way…but because we hadn’t ever been made aware of the different paths we could take; the various communities we could meet; the people we could become if only we were truly free… perhaps we wouldn’t have internalised that discomfort?
Perhaps we wouldn’t be thinking:
I don’t fit.
I’m not the same.
I don’t belong.
I don’t know what’s right for me.
Perhaps we wouldn’t be feeling:
I’m confused.
I’m lonely.
I’m not good enough.
I’m wrong.
Perhaps we wouldn’t be wondering:
Who am I?
Where are my people?
Why do I feel guilty/ ashamed/ secretive?
What do I do with my regrets?
Is it worth it?
It can be a lonely journey through a bit of a storm sometimes, but what a privilege (albeit a painful one) it is to be able to contribute to the trail being blazed.
And what I’ve come to learn over time is that when you finally find the brand or flavour of ENM that feels right for you…when you finally find that person or those people who make you feel like your body is on fire; that your brain is a melting pot of ideas and understanding; that parts of your soul just fit there in that little space… whether that’s platonic, intimate, true love, or something quirky AF…
It’s worth it.
But finding it requires ongoing open-mindedness, communication, boundaries, courage, reflection, evaluation, faith…and patience.
Who we are and how that affects our experience of ENM
Now, since I’ve spoken about the value of reflection, I’ll be the first to admit that patience is not something I’ve ever possessed. I’ll burn my mouth on a pizza that comes out of the oven hotter than the devil’s arsehole. I’ll finish people’s sentences in my mind if they dare to speak slower than X 2 speed. I stare at the kettle like Jack Nicholson in The Shining.
So when I’m desperate to find a connection with others that just feels right, it’s really hard.
I’d love to be like my husband: the type who can crack open a tub of Neopolitan, and scoop that bad boy into a bowl, not caring about the fact that the flavours are mixing in a melting puddle of goop, and that his spoon is stubby and smeared. He’ll happily serve up his own slice of dessert upside down because “it fell off the cake server like that, and it still tastes the same.” Likewise in the lifestyle, he is open to throwing any expectations into a pot and having faith that they won’t necessarily play out because they’re mixed with the expectations of other people. He can be discerning in his choices (and rightfully so) regarding the situations and people he is comfortable with… but once he’s made those choices, he can happily dig in and enjoy the experience, come what may.
Sometimes, I want to be like him. I want to rid myself of the complicated and painful emotions that arise when navigating ENM, to have trust in myself that I’m doing the right thing, and to have faith that I won’t be hurt or let down. I know I’d be happier, more relaxed and content that way. Like he is…and I love him so much for that.
However, I’m beginning to give myself the grace to just be who I actually am. And assuming that you aren’t an absolute dickhead, I want you to try to do the same.
I don’t like to scoop my ice cream with abandon. I don’t want the crushed Choc Ice at the bottom of the freezer, just because I’m bored or hungry. I want to take my time finding good people, who I can care for and respect… and if it all goes well, I want to be able to blow their mind in bed, because our values align and I can intuit what they want or need… and if I can’t, I want to talk openly and honestly. I don’t want a spoon that feels fragile or cold in my hands. I want a smooth fit; someone who understands the shape of me, and can be secure when I’m not. I don’t want to feel upside down, like a haphazardly served slice of apple pie! I want to feel centred; safe; settled, so that I can present my best, most confident self to my partners. Because that’s what we all deserve.
The important thing is to acknowledge who you are, what makes you tick, and how that can impact your experience.
You might be an extrovert, who thrives off of being surrounded by a wide variety of people, forming a multitude of connections and throwing yourself into new experiences within the lifestyle. Perhaps you’ve met some of the best people in the world that way, and have nothing but gratitude for that. Maybe you’ve also not always taken the necessary care to make sure you (or others) didn’t emerge from some scenarios worse-off, and it’s possible you have some regrets.
Or
You might be more reserved or insular than that- somebody who finds numerous connections and social situations quite draining. Perhaps you’ve been able to be true to yourself and consider what’s right for you before jumping in, which has led to some incredible memories and experiences. Maybe you’ve also let some potentially awesome people or adventures slip away, because you were too caught up in your head about what could go wrong, or whether you had the energy to pursue something that wasn’t ‘perfect’.
Perhaps you move between, and around these states fluidly, depending on the mood; the people; the situation; the season of life.
All of those are okay. Depending on where you sit on the spectrum of personality (and if you have no idea, this fun, online questionnaire might give some insight: https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test), this will give you a great starting point to really consider what you want and need from ENM relationships and experiences… without the added treat of beating yourself up for “not being very ‘good’ at ENM!”
Am I doing ENM ‘right’? Or am I doing it ‘wrong’?
I bet I can guess what you think I’m going to say…
“There is no right or wrong way to be Ethically Non-Monogamous.”
There’s a fair bit of truth in this… because providing your particular style of non-monogamy is conducted and experienced in an ethical and consensual way, then it’s unlikely you can go too far wrong (at least in a catastrophic way). As for the ‘right’ way, we all know that there are a million ways to do things that could be considered ‘right’, so your way will be different to others, but it can be right for you. I’m just not sure whether the concept of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ is particularly helpful to focus on too much here, because both terms are so subjective.
One particular subject of conversation that I’ve become aware of in ENM circles, and have contributed to within my own personal interactions, is the concept of feeling
“more’ or ‘less’ evolved”
than other people who practise consensual non-monogamy.
I’ve come to recognise through my research and consumption of ENM content (and how ENM is represented in the media) an implied understanding that there are almost different levels of ‘progression’ within the ENM umbrella…and depending on where you currently ‘sit’ on the broad spectrum of ENM, some people consider this as indicative of how emotionally evolved you are, or how secure your relationships are.
I’m going to give an almost obscenely over-simplified/ hyperbolic and stereotypical example of progressive ‘levels’ below:
NOT because I am making fun of them, and NOT because I think there’s no value in gradually becoming more comfortable with certain aspects of ENM (because there absolutely is)…
But I want to open up a brief conversation into why I don’t think the concept of progression, or being ‘more’ or ‘less’ evolved is particularly helpful…and who knows, maybe I’ll fire up some fun debate:
Level 1: You talk about ENM with your partner, and agree to move forwards with communication and boundaries.
Level 2: You try inviting another person into your bedroom, e.g. another woman.
Level 3: Having become comfortable with one other person in your bedroom, you decide to explore with another couple. But ‘soft-swap’ only (typically refers to sex that doesn’t involve penetration). All play to remain in the same room, together.
Level 4: You might now feel ready to explore ‘full-swap’ with another couple (sex involving penetration). All play is still in the same room.
Level 5: Maybe you feel like moving on to ‘separate room play’ now. Potentially more trust is required when you can’t necessarily see your partner in the same room. Higher risk of uncomfortable feelings.
Level 6: You might now consider separate dates. There may or may not be emotional involvement.
Level 7: Perhaps you begin opening up the possibility that you would like to form emotionally loving attachments with others beyond your partner. This may move away from a ‘swinger’ style of ENM to more of a ‘polyamorous’ approach.
Level 8: You begin forming connections together and/ or separately with other people; allow love to settle in if it chooses; and sit at the table in the morning with all of your partners and metamours, and discuss how well you’re adjusting to ENM.
Level 9: You have now opened up your own poly commune. You grow your own veg and drink oat milk. You have renounced all societal expectations, while enjoying hot sex and purely altruistic love on the daily.
Well done, you’ve completed ENM.
Except it’s not a game… it’s your life, and you can live it how you choose.
I wrote that list in a purposely inflammatory way, because I feel it’s important to impress upon you that you can always practise ENM (or any relationship dynamic) in the way that suits you- providing it’s ethical and consensual. ENM isn’t a game, in which you have to work towards a medal of completion for each ‘step’ before moving on to the next. It isn’t a linear process.
Maybe you did ‘progress’ through some steps like the ones above, and that felt safe, secure and comfortable, and that’s fantastic. Perhaps you found a space like one of the scenarios listed, and intend to stay there, because it makes you happy. Maybe you move fluidly between different situations and connections. You might aspire to try some of the dynamics above, but know that you have some inner work, or some relational work to do first. All of that is so valid.
Naturally, some of the content might reflect quite accurately how you started, and the way in which your ENM journey unfolded and evolved over time…but your evolution as a person can be an entirely separate thing. E.g. being single or in a monogamous relationship doesn’t necessarily make you any less secure and compersive than somebody successfully practising ENM or polyamory. Likewise, living a fully-immersed ENM lifestyle doesn’t mean you have your shit together. So, whether you’re new to ENM or a veteran of the lifestyle, please don’t see it as something to ‘do well’ or ‘to complete’ or to use as an illustration of how secure you are. That kind of pressure is unnecessary and potentially damaging.
We are human. We all want acceptance. We all want belonging. We’ll make mistakes. And we’ll be okay.
ENM is just one of the many ways that offer us a chance to be more authentic; more free, more raw, more joyful; more alive.
So grab a decent spoon and enjoy!
Beyond the Pineapple 
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