Taking Flight- Freedom, Vulnerability and Growth in the Lifestyle

In light of my previous post ‘Is It All Worth It?’ (go check it out first if you haven’t already), I’ve been thinking about how we are often striving for certain ideals in the Ethically Non-Monogamous (ENM) lifestyle, and the inevitable pay-offs that are seemingly required to get there. Like an evanescent dream, I’m occasionally laying in bed, envisioning an elusive, blurry picture in sepia tones; a silent movie of enigmatic but strangely familiar characters: me, confident as hell and completely at ease in my own skin, languishing amongst people I connect with, and allowing myself to ride waves of easy intimacy and uncomplicated physical pleasure.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all just a dream. I’ve managed to live out similar scenes like this along the way. Lucky me!

However, what can happen, especially when in the early stages of getting to know people, is that I’m feeling vulnerable…exposed…self-conscious…an imposter of sensual confidence wearing a translucent veneer of someone who knows their worth, and is ready for the world to receive it! And judging by requests for me to talk about this kind of thing, it seems I might not be the only one.

So, this post is dedicated to the wonderful trifecta of Freedom, Vulnerability and personal Growth in the ENM lifestyle…and beyond.

Freedom

There’s no doubt that once you’ve navigated the potential hurdles of entering the ENM lifestyle, and you’ve got a few experiences under your belt, that hopefully you’ve at least been introduced to the concept of additional freedom.

It’s probably useful here that I define ‘freedom’ in the way that I see it, because I’m obviously aware that it’s a pretty subjective concept. In this context, I’m linking ‘freedom’ to the notion that we have the power or right to act, speak and change (ethically and safely of course), without hindrance or restraint. Lifestyle-wise, I’m talking about being able to freely explore sexual, relational and emotional dynamics that perhaps move beyond the widely accepted ‘norms’ we encounter most commonly in society or our culture.

That’s not to say that embodying this kind of freedom is easy. It comes at a cost. As I’ve written before, the complexities of living different aspects of your life that aren’t entirely congruent, or integrated, can weigh fairly heavily on the soul if you haven’t felt able to be ‘open’ about your relationship dynamic. Despite that, many of us come into this lifestyle (however we identify beneath the ENM umbrella), looking for a certain level of liberation in our ability to explore something that is beyond the arguably typical societal standard of monogamy.

And wow, this taste of freedom can be absolutely intoxicating.

I can only speak for my own experience, but some of my favourite ‘freedoms’ within the lifestyle that you may be able to relate to, include:

• Being able to have unfiltered chats with people from different walks of life. Honestly, the way you can segue seamlessly in conversations with ENM people from their Summer holiday, to best brand of lube/ your masturbation habits/ the time you accidentally came in somebody’s eye, is unparalleled.
• Slowly peeling back layers of the narratives I’ve told myself over the years, and letting go of the messages that don’t suit me. You no longer need to be perfect to be worthy of another’s attention or admiration. I mean…I’m being purposely flippant here so you don’t feel like you’re reading a psychology paper, but recently, (and inexplicably) I couldn’t stop doing Will Ferrell impressions when my lover friends were waiting for me to get on with some sexy times, and somehow it was accepted. We laughed. We continued. I’d let go of the need to convey a ‘perfectly sexy’ persona.
• Exploring my sexuality. The sheer delight of being able to be intimate with another woman has felt like aspects of my unknowingly scattered identity are being gently placed, like the satisfying last few pieces of a puzzle landscape.
• Flirting, laughing, connecting. These natural human impulses are so underrated in my opinion! There are so many incredible people on this Earth, and whilst I completely respect the monogamous drive for much of the population to be romantically/ physically tethered to one person, for me it feels exhilarating to have the opportunity to experience this closeness with others too.
• Discovering new desires and ways to pleasure/ be pleasured. I cringed inwardly writing that, because a large part of me struggles to accept that I deserve the attention it takes to make me feel good. But the freedom to lean into this, and to express my own sensuality with others has been nothing short of healing.
• Intimacy and Sex! Need I say more?

This is a very short list, and the veritable freedoms that others have found as they navigate Ethical Non-Monogamy are vast. When speaking to people in this lifestyle though, it has come to light that so many of us internalise lots of message about who we are supposed to be, and this means we often have a tendency to put ourselves in a box. When this happens, ENM can offer an affirmation that at least in this context,

Freedom is a state of mind.

And yes, I’m aware that sounds like one of those annoyingly empty platitudes that a clueless person might offer through the murky glass, when visiting their relative in prison. But what I mean is… on many occasions, the mind can feel like a forced incarceration of overthinking, anxiety and introjected values. But here we are. And we deserve to break free of that.

But how do we break free?

Well…

Vulnerability

The Power of Vulnerability is best articulated by Dr. Brené Brown, who is a research professor specialising in courage, vulnerability, shame and empathy. You can watch her incredible Ted Talk on the subject of vulnerability here, but for those of you who prefer to read a synopsis, or are wondering what the hell this has to do with you, here it is:

Brené Brown conducted years’ worth of qualitative research into human experiences with shame, fear, vulnerability and connection, by collecting thousands of stories from a significant pool of people over time. I think this is particularly important to look into as ENM folk, because we put our relationships and relational patterns under the microscope every day. Dr. Brown wanted to understand the links between those who feel worthy of love and connection; and those who don’t. After all, the ongoing search for connection is universal; it gives meaning and purpose to our lives, and neurologically, it’s how the human brain is wired. And isn’t that what we are searching for within this lifestyle, too?

** If you’d like to go hard on a further deep-dive into psychotherapy and how we are all searching for meaning in our lives, I’d highly recommend you read Viktor Frankl’s book: ‘Man’s Search for Meaning‘, or look into his Logotherapy theories . He is absolutely fascinating, and his experiences as a Holocaust survivor gave birth to some fantastic work on the importance of purpose in our lives. I’d argue that most people who are living under the ENM umbrella are particularly interested in seeking purpose beyond what we are simply told to find meaning in, so hopefully you’ll enjoy the rabbit hole one day.**

Anyway, back to Brené Brown. When researching people’s stories about connection, and lack thereof, she found that there was a divide between those who felt a sense of love and belonging, and those who didn’t. The only difference was that for those people who felt this sense of love and belonging, was that they believed they were worthy of it. In this way, it seemed that the one thing keeping us from developing the connections we craved with other people, was our fear of unworthiness.

I don’t know about you, but I’m no stranger to this feeling, and it has come up a fair bit when trying to make vulnerable connections with others in the lifestyle.

Brené labelled those who did not fear being unworthy as ‘wholehearted’; people who understood that

Life is messy

…but were willing to lean into the discomfort that this brings. These wholehearted people who felt a deep sense of worthiness for love and belonging shared some key attributes:

Courage- the courage it takes to be be imperfect;

Compassion- the ability to be kind to themselves first, and then to others;

Connection- as a result of showing up authentically;

Vulnerability- they believed that what made them vulnerable, made them beautiful. Yes, vulnerability is uncomfortable, but necessary for the reward of connection.

These people were willing to acknowledge that there are no guarantees in life, but they were willing to try, even when they didn’t know if it would work out.

This leads me to think about all of the times we, as people who live an Ethically Non-Monogamous life, regularly miss out on opportunities in this lifestyle because of similar feelings: perhaps shame about deviating from the norms/ conflicting lifestyles with religious or cultural backgrounds/ sexual shame etc; fear of rejection/ intimacy etc; avoidance of the vulnerability it takes to reach out to make physical or emotional connections, due to a deeper sense of unworthiness.

I’m sure you can think of a few examples of times in the ENM lifestyle that have required a certain level of vulnerability, but here are a few I’ve reflected on:

• Having to initiate a conversation with new people you’re interested in;
• Knowing whether somebody is attracted to you…ambiguity can feel vulnerable too;
• Risking rejection once you’ve built up the courage to express interest;
• Being naked in front of others;
• Feeling emotionally exposed in new situations;
• Needing reassurance from your partner/s when something goes wrong, or you’re hurting/ jealous/ insecure/ heartbroken etc;
• Seeing a person you love or care about experience sex/ intimacy/ emotional connection/ New Relationship Energy, with somebody else;
• Recognising during different seasons of life that your relationship might be suffering, and having to honestly address that without defensiveness;
• Realising you may have hurt your partner with your words, responses or actions;
• Communicating uncomfortable feelings without pretending everything is OK;
• Having to present yourself to new people and wondering how you’ll be perceived.

As you can see, vulnerability is integral to the human experience in all walks of life, but it rings especially true in the lifestyle, because you could argue that we are perpetually opening ourselves up to ever-changing scenarios, intimate experiences, and ultimately, an evolution of self.

So, now that we can understand the power of vulnerability in this way…how can we move towards growing from the experience, rather than falling into the trap of fear and avoidance?

Growth

Something that Dr. Brené Brown emphasises in her research, is that the common mistakes that many people have made when faced with the prospect of vulnerability, is that they try to numb the feelings that travel alongside it. We tend to live our lives surviving the rat-race of work, parenting, financial struggles, maintaining relationships, mental/ physical health etc, by swinging from one distraction to the other; in hopes that we can numb the discomfort of uncertainty. As humans, we HATE uncertainty and are constantly chasing the illusion of control. But the cost of this, as Brown says, is that you can’t selectively numb the uncomfortable, painful emotions, without also numbing “joy, gratitude and happiness.” This then leads to the hamster wheel of exhaustion, discontent, and fruitless ventures into seeking purpose.

There is no need to make the uncertain, certain. There is no need to seek perfection; acceptance and celebration of imperfection is the goal. Again, life is messy. Understand the impact that we have on ourselves, and others.

My absolute favourite reflection by Brené Brown is this, and I hope that you’ll take something from it when putting yourself out there; not only as a member of the ENM club, but as the perfectly imperfect human you are:

“I know that vulnerability is kind of the core of shame, and fear, and our struggle for worthiness…but it appears that it’s also the birthplace of joy; of creativity; of belonging; of love…”

In light of this, I invite us all to lean into the prospect of trying not to fear vulnerability if we truly want to experience the joys of authentic connection with others; even if that means there are no guarantees; even if that means we need to allow ourselves to be seen and perceived in ways that are beyond our control; even if that means that we make mistakes and royal cock-ups on the way. It’s time to take flight….despite not always knowing where, or if, we’ll land.

After all, what else is there?