Is It All Worth It?

Riding the highs and lows of Ethical Non-Monogamy

This post feels a little more personal to me, because I aim to write a stream of consciousness (and edit enough of it so that you wouldn’t have been able to tell, if I hadn’t blatantly admitted it just now)…with the intention that authenticity in my thoughts and feelings will shine through.

There is absolutely no doubt that my own ENM journey – apologies for using the word ‘journey’- has been a roller coaster of hope, awkwardness, compersion, envy, elation, despair and everything in between. So, I hope that by walking you indulgently through my personal highs and lows in the lifestyle, you’ll be mildly entertained at the very least… but there might also be something within these words that you can prepare for or relate to, somehow. Let’s see!

I was spoiled with a fairly uncomplicated start to this lifestyle in that my husband and I always knew we weren’t destined for a monogamous life, even though to this day I can’t pin down how that was so. There were probably years of playful discussions and people-watching, punctuated by exploring who we found attractive, tongue-in-cheek jokes about whether we’d ever want to enjoy a new model (!), tipsy fantasies shared in a low-lit bedroom and ‘would you ever…’ conversations ending with a cheeky ‘…probably, yes!’

It’s important to note here, that our relationship has felt incredibly secure from the very beginning, and we have quite a brutal sense of humour at times, so none of these jokes or discussions ever felt threatening or surprising. On top of this, it helps that we have a natural, quiet aversion to societal rules. There has always been a gentle, bubbling anarchy to what we are supposed to do, despite appearing like your boring neighbours who got married, had a kid, moved into your suburban cul-de-sac and then asked to borrow your new lawn scarifier.

That’s not to say that there needs to be a ‘perfect’ foundation, sans cracks, in order to be considering entering a consensually non-monogamous lifestyle, because let’s face it, relationships mostly involve two (or more) people coming together with different degrees of baggage, scarred hearts and a lot of learning to do. And of course, this includes me and my husband. He came from a family that were allergic to emotions and owned the strongest of brooms to brush all the crap under the rug…and I skidded into our partnership on two wheels, with a trail of broken relationship promises and a slightly anxious attachment style! My point is that with a deep, loving understanding of each other, genuinely good intentions, and honest communication, these things can be overcome in time…if opening your relationship in a truly ethical way is important to you.

Anyway, back to my beginnings to set the scene. Overall, we had an understanding of us both being open to having sex with other people. This was way before we had even considered the possibility of feelings being involved, which may or may not have blown our naive minds at that stage. So over the course of a few months, there was some serious sexual tension building up between us and another couple of long-time friends, which culminated in a spontaneous, steamy hot tub experience with them on my birthday…effectively catapulting us into a lifestyle that we didn’t even know existed. We were exclusive with them for two years (again, not knowing we were technically ‘swinging’), and although our lives have moved in different directions since then and we no longer ‘play’ with these wonderful people, we remain friends to this day.

So, you could say that this was a high in our lifestyle adventures. Two years of stolen, secret evenings spent exploring other bodies, other minds, other experiences. Subtle glances thrown across vanilla settings with thoughts of what we had planned that weekend; hot moments of skin on skin against a backdrop of a crackling log fire; and one particular searing memory of this woman’s husband bringing me to orgasm with his tongue, at the precise moment that New Year fireworks exploded in the streets outside. Life was pretty damn good!

But… (you sensed a ‘but’, didn’t you?)… it wasn’t all roses and sunshine. There were lows. We were faced with jealousy and insecurities along the way; differences in communication styles; the intricacies and learning curves of separate-room play; and one particular memory that I will forever file in the Cringe Bank. This came about after a long break with this couple and more than a few reservations about starting up again. Despite this, we were filled with optimism and excitement for a sexy resurgence, so we arrived at their house with visions of games and new exploration. After a few customary check-ins between us all, and in particular with the other husband who seemed slightly nervous, we were given enthusiastic green-lights to go ahead! However, it soon became obvious that he was in fact, not in the correct head-space to continue, which is absolutely fine. I just wish that this halt to proceedings had happened before a very awkward three-way kiss, some lacklustre dares and before one of us was already trussed up in shibari ropes. There is something so darkly funny about the thought of untying these ropes and picking up strewn ‘Sexy Jenga’ pieces, but I’d love to put the lid back on this particular box now.

Suffice to say that since then, my husband and I have enjoyed (and endured) a steep learning curve in a much more vast and varied version of the ENM lifestyle, following our decision to branch out and experience more of what it had to offer. We aren’t prolific or hugely experienced by any stretch of the imagination.

But, we have experienced enough to be so thankful that we strapped ourselves in with a solid seat belt, before making tentative steps into that roller coaster car.

Within months, we had met some of the most amazing people within a community; shared stories with comforting and amusing listening-ears; cried and laughed through the pain of breaking down the shell of social constructs, and rebuilding something new and raw.

Some of that has been hard, though. So hard.

We’ve felt the electric panic of being in a situation that is uncomfortable or unwanted. The absolute overwhelm of signing up for far more than my poor closet-introvert self can handle. The sadness about being so far away from people we adore. The never-ending efforts to somehow manage two sides of our lives when they can never quite integrate. The sheer, skin-tingling self-consciousness of exposing myself physically and emotionally. The endless chasing of a high that sometimes doesn’t materialise. The constant need to analyse situations and emotions…communication and self-awareness can be tiring and painful! The inevitable endings of connections and fading of friendships that I wish could have continued.

But despite all of that…

We’ve laughed until our stomachs hurt and fallen up hotel stairs on the way to a hot orgy room. We’ve learnt so much about other people and laughed at hilariously accurate insights into this strange world. I’ve felt truly awoken for the first time as my bisexuality unfurled… sparks settling on smooth skin as my lips made their way along a woman I’ve come to care so deeply about. I’ve felt the orgasm of this woman against my mouth as I held the hand of her husband tightly, and made eye contact with the man I love most in this world as he kissed her throughout. I’ve had my chin lifted by a man I connect with very deeply, and known he understands me… which made the noises coming out of his throat that much sexier as I touched him. I’ve felt genuine compersion and pride as my own incredible husband has lit up desire in another person, and enjoyed countless intimate moments of pillow-talk with him as his eyes glistened in the dark through memories retold.

I’m growing.

During that necessary process, sometimes a part of me dies off and I have to reconstruct it. Other times, a weed pops up alongside and I have to think about whether to leave it or whether to pull it. And sometimes, a couple of petals sprout up and I grow a bit taller. But enough of that sentimental analogy.

It’s worth it.

For now.