Understanding your fantasy of swinging, broaching the subject with your partner and navigating next steps
There are a myriad of ways that one or both of you in your relationship have come to the realisation that you might want to try dipping your toes into the Ethically Non-Monogamous (ENM) lifestyle. You’ll probably be aware from the ‘About’ section, that I mostly speak from a swinging standpoint since that’s my personal experience, but I think the principles of communication I talk about in this post are transferable across the board of opening up your relationship; wherever you happen to sit on the spectrum of sex and love.
Some common origin stories in the ENM community include: bisexuality/ pansexuality within the relationship and wanting to explore this further; enhancing an already-top-notch sex life with the addition of other partners or sexual scenarios; the mutual recognition that monogamy doesn’t feel like the perfect fit for you; a desire for variety, adventures and liberation from societal norms. Of course, there are as many reasons for developing the desire to open up your relationship, as there are unique people, but it’s important to consider the difference between making what could be considered ‘healthy’ decisions for your relationship, and being at risk of trying to place a temporary sticking-plaster over the cracks of your foundations.
Spoiler alert: swinging isn’t going to fix a damaged relationship!
Opening up your relationship to include other partners has the highest chance of success when it’s considered carefully from a place of absolute trust, security and mutual respect between you. Trust within a relationship is healing; it transcends from trusting your own instincts to being able to rely wholeheartedly on another. It affords time and space between you to celebrate each of your unique identities so that you can come together as a stronger unit that celebrates individuality and growth. Likewise, trust builds security in a relationship. Throw a large dose of love and respect in the mix, and you’ve got yourself a solid relational platform from which to launch some sensitive conversations about ENM.
It’s worth recognising here that if the question of “How do I convince my partner to try swinging” has entered your mind, it’s time to reframe this thought. You are not trying to coerce or convince anybody here, as this takes the ‘E’ straight out of ‘ENM’. You’re opening up a conversation (and potentially taking a risk), in which you’re inviting the person you love to respond, and hoping that there may be a space for them to process the idea. Only you can decide whether you feel that exploring ENM is something your relationship, and your partner can handle. For the sake of this blog post, let’s assume that you have made the decision to broach the subject.
Now, this comes with a caveat.
Let’s imagine that the desire to swing with your partner has become a fire within you. You honestly feel that your relationship is strong, loving and secure. You’ve done a little research into the realities of swinging (plenty of free resources online!) You want to share this with your partner in an open, considerate way that takes their feelings into account. You have found a moment that feels right to share your fantasy in a way that’s curious, exploratory and open to genuine feelings. It’s happening and the fire in your chest has somehow burned its way upwards through your throat, curling like smoke, outwards into actual words! Finally! It’s out. A deep breath.
And your partner is categorically against the idea.
What do you do?
Naturally, you’ll probably be experiencing some uncomfortable emotions, and that’s OK. But it’s crucial to remember here that whilst this fantasy or thought within you seems to have been there ruminating for a significant period of time, this is perhaps fresh and raw for your partner. They may feel confusion, sadness, anger or even betrayal, questioning why you want to change a dynamic that they feel is working. Or they may shut down and not wish to discuss it further. All feelings are valid. This situation will require time, space, a lowering of defences and maybe even some counselling support to work through. Maybe your partner will want to explore the idea of swinging in the future once you’ve both worked through what it might mean for you. Maybe there’ll be a compromise in your relationship dynamic or ‘play styles’ ( a whole different topic!) Or maybe the answer will always be ‘no’. There is no compromise here. Nobody should ever feel forced into this lifestyle, and this is where you’ll need to think about what is most important to you- ENM or your relationship as it stands.
With all of that in mind, let’s lighten the mood quickly before you slam the laptop shut or throw your phone across the bed, wondering why you ever thought broaching the subject of turning that bloody pineapple upside down was a good idea!
There’s every possibility that your partner is on the same (or similar) page. Perhaps you always knew that ENM was the way to go, or perhaps you’re both growing into this beautiful fantasy like a lotus in bloom! This is where the work (and undoubtedly the fun) begins. It’s time to research and explore the world of swinging/ hot -wifing/ open marriage/ polyamory etc, and see what might be right for you when navigating yourselves towards a new relationship dynamic. Be safe out there and…
Welcome to the club!
Beyond the Pineapple 
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